A hundred different places
I'm basically using this blog as a journal since I don't keep a separate journal anymore. I'm also imposing the "no backspace" rule again except to correct spelling or grammar errors. I've found that it makes me feel less self-conscious and allows me to write more.
I'm exhausted.
I was away in OKC from Thursday afternoon to Saturday evening for a Youth & Govt conference. It's always a whirlwind weekend but I feel good by doing it - much like exercising makes me feel better afterward. One might feel proud of giving up two days with their 11 month old baby in order to spend some time with other people's kids. One should feel proud. But - the whole drive down on Thursday, I was worried about how missing work was going to look. Are they going to think I'm soft and expendable if I take a day off work to prance around the OK Capitol? I worried about this when I had the chance on Friday as well. I was not prancing, actually, but fielding questions and taking care of some logistical stuff that the youth officers aren't in a position to worry about.
Friday night, I started beating myself up for being away from Emerson. Rod has back problems and was not 100% up to taking care of her. I took care of her when I had a 103 fever just fine and didn't think anything of it except that it was something that I had to do when Rod had other things going on. But I was blaming myself for putting Rod in the position of having to strain himself.
Plus I joined this board at church. It is a working board, which requires some commitment outside of meetings once a month. I thought I would "treat" myself to some required time away from work and baby so that I could spend some time giving back to the church that I love and miss. Now I'm starting to feel guilty that this will take away from other places I "should" be.
I am starting to feel like a stereotype. No matter how much I give, it is not enough. It's not that I don't care, it's just that if I spend time working on the Youth & Govt website, that is time that I won't be able to upload pictures for the grandparents to see of Emerson. If I spend an extra hour or two at work so that I can be an important person there, that's time that I won't be able to feed Emerson and read to her. If I spend a Wednesday night directing traffic at church, that's time that I won't be able to stay late at work, work on the Y&G website, or feed or read to Emerson. And so it goes.
A long time ago, I attended a conference workshop intended for teachers. One of the little mantras was "stop shoulding on yourself". I need to be content with what I do and not feel bad about the opportunity costs of doing it. I need to stay away from people who don't thank me for what I do but instead prod me to do more than I want. And every once in a while, it is okay to say "no".
I'm exhausted.
I was away in OKC from Thursday afternoon to Saturday evening for a Youth & Govt conference. It's always a whirlwind weekend but I feel good by doing it - much like exercising makes me feel better afterward. One might feel proud of giving up two days with their 11 month old baby in order to spend some time with other people's kids. One should feel proud. But - the whole drive down on Thursday, I was worried about how missing work was going to look. Are they going to think I'm soft and expendable if I take a day off work to prance around the OK Capitol? I worried about this when I had the chance on Friday as well. I was not prancing, actually, but fielding questions and taking care of some logistical stuff that the youth officers aren't in a position to worry about.
Friday night, I started beating myself up for being away from Emerson. Rod has back problems and was not 100% up to taking care of her. I took care of her when I had a 103 fever just fine and didn't think anything of it except that it was something that I had to do when Rod had other things going on. But I was blaming myself for putting Rod in the position of having to strain himself.
Plus I joined this board at church. It is a working board, which requires some commitment outside of meetings once a month. I thought I would "treat" myself to some required time away from work and baby so that I could spend some time giving back to the church that I love and miss. Now I'm starting to feel guilty that this will take away from other places I "should" be.
I am starting to feel like a stereotype. No matter how much I give, it is not enough. It's not that I don't care, it's just that if I spend time working on the Youth & Govt website, that is time that I won't be able to upload pictures for the grandparents to see of Emerson. If I spend an extra hour or two at work so that I can be an important person there, that's time that I won't be able to feed Emerson and read to her. If I spend a Wednesday night directing traffic at church, that's time that I won't be able to stay late at work, work on the Y&G website, or feed or read to Emerson. And so it goes.
A long time ago, I attended a conference workshop intended for teachers. One of the little mantras was "stop shoulding on yourself". I need to be content with what I do and not feel bad about the opportunity costs of doing it. I need to stay away from people who don't thank me for what I do but instead prod me to do more than I want. And every once in a while, it is okay to say "no".
posted by Amanda Shankle-Knowlton | 6:06 PM
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