Fears
It is approaching the time of year for holiday travel. Both of my parents live a few hours away, and both will no doubt like to see Emerson around Christmas. I especially want her to make it up to Wichita to meet her great-grandparents, who are 86 and 89.
I have been fine driving Emerson around town. And I have been mostly fine driving long distances by myself. I had a job once where I drove all over the state and region. I made it through by avoiding high-traffic times and planning routes that put me on side-streets whenever feasible. I made it work because I had to. But the thought of driving with Emerson in the car at a high speed is a bit crippling right now.
In my family of origin, driving was always something to be scared of. My father always got a look of fear in his eyes every time he merged onto the highway, and often talked about all of the big dangerous trucks that were out there, just ready to kill us all if we weren't vigilant. And I don't recall my mother ever driving on the highway until I was in high school and she and my father were driving our two cars from Arizona to Oklahoma. I remember my mom being terrified, and my dad being terrified for her. I fully expected a horrible fiery crash, but we made it back unscathed.
I can't entirely blame my parents for this fear. My brother drives just fine. Rush hour. Dallas traffic. No problem.
I am afraid of something bad happening to my baby. An acquaintance of mine lost her young son in a car crash, and our minister lost her young daughter to a freak illness. When I see them at church, they remind me of how quickly it can all be lost. So it makes me want to huddle in my house and never take her anywhere. It makes me want to call an ambulance for any sniffle, just so I can be sure she's in the right hands if she stops breathing.
These are all things I feel driven to do, but I am not going to do them. I don't want to fuel any sort of neuroses in Emerson, or at least prevent that as much as possible. I want her to grow up seeing me as reasonable and confident. I want to *be* reasonable and confident. Having a fun life that is at all worth living means taking some risks. So while I might always have the underlying fear that something bad will happen, I will just have to swallow that up and put on a strong face for her. For Christmas and in general, I want to give my daughter the gift of not letting fear control her.
I have been fine driving Emerson around town. And I have been mostly fine driving long distances by myself. I had a job once where I drove all over the state and region. I made it through by avoiding high-traffic times and planning routes that put me on side-streets whenever feasible. I made it work because I had to. But the thought of driving with Emerson in the car at a high speed is a bit crippling right now.
In my family of origin, driving was always something to be scared of. My father always got a look of fear in his eyes every time he merged onto the highway, and often talked about all of the big dangerous trucks that were out there, just ready to kill us all if we weren't vigilant. And I don't recall my mother ever driving on the highway until I was in high school and she and my father were driving our two cars from Arizona to Oklahoma. I remember my mom being terrified, and my dad being terrified for her. I fully expected a horrible fiery crash, but we made it back unscathed.
I can't entirely blame my parents for this fear. My brother drives just fine. Rush hour. Dallas traffic. No problem.
I am afraid of something bad happening to my baby. An acquaintance of mine lost her young son in a car crash, and our minister lost her young daughter to a freak illness. When I see them at church, they remind me of how quickly it can all be lost. So it makes me want to huddle in my house and never take her anywhere. It makes me want to call an ambulance for any sniffle, just so I can be sure she's in the right hands if she stops breathing.
These are all things I feel driven to do, but I am not going to do them. I don't want to fuel any sort of neuroses in Emerson, or at least prevent that as much as possible. I want her to grow up seeing me as reasonable and confident. I want to *be* reasonable and confident. Having a fun life that is at all worth living means taking some risks. So while I might always have the underlying fear that something bad will happen, I will just have to swallow that up and put on a strong face for her. For Christmas and in general, I want to give my daughter the gift of not letting fear control her.
posted by Amanda Shankle-Knowlton | 6:20 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home