So much for light bedtime reading

I suppose I repeat myself quite a bit on this blog, especially when it comes to equality between the genders when it comes to housework and the like. It is something I think about a lot, as I want to avoid anything similar to the situation I grew up in, where the share of household responsibilities was nowhere near being equal, even when my mother was working full time. I think communication is very important here - when one member of the partnership feels like things aren't equal, then it should be mentioned as soon as possible before resentment starts to build.

I have been following the blog from the Equally Shared Parenting website for several months. While I question how this couple actually behaves in the real world and not in their online personas, there are always some good points made.

I also have been reading How to Avoid the Mommy Trap. I've found that it isn't the book I need to be reading right before bed, as it has never failed to raise my blood pressure when I read about the situations that these women get themselves into and fail to put on the brakes as they get further and further into these bad situations. So far it has raised several good questions that should be discussed by any couple before they get married, and definitely before having children.

A theme in this book has to do with BATNA, or the Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. It is as important theme in Economics as well, and I consider it to be a part of Game Theory. Basically, it is your Plan B, what you will do if your situation doesn't work out the way you want it to ideally. I also think of it as your willingness to walk away from the current situation. If there is a neighborhood of similar houses selling for $200K and the seller of the house you want won't come down from $225K, then you have a pretty good BATNA - just walk away and find a better deal at the house down the street, or decide that you don't really need another house right now.

When women get married and have kids and immediately give up their careers, their BATNA will likely be worse. If the marriage ends for whatever reason, her own financial position will be worse because the husband isn't providing income for her anymore. She won't be able to find a great job right away because she has been out of the workforce and probably not spending much time keeping up her job skills and continuing her education in the field, plus she would have to pay for childcare and have enough flexibility to take care of a sick child. Not a good situation, so she is less likely to leave the marriage, giving the husband more power. Power to do pretty much whatever he wants. Not a romantic way to put things, but marriage is an economic agreement as well as all of the wonderful things that marriage can be.

On the other hand, if a wife keeps up her own career, she wields more power in the relationship. She doesn' t have to put up with things like domestic abuse or affairs, or even being treated in any way as less than an equal. This doesn' t mean that she has to ever threaten to leave or even really consider it. I just imagine that the husband of a woman who can take care of herself would think twice before pulling any kind of behavior that would give her cause to walk away. Again, not very romantic, but I think that women need to think about these sorts of things.