Family dynamics
Em and I went to Wichita this weekend to have a late Christmas with my mom, her sister and family, another sister, and my grandparents. It was quite a nice gathering - Four generations of chicks all under one roof.
Every time we get together, I learn more about the DNA that goes through me. For example, my grandma, mother, and I are basically the same person in a lot of ways. We are part martyr - we will do it all just for the sake of being recognized as doing it all. We are part caregivers - not resting until all people and tasks are taken care of. We're compulsive to various degrees - everything needs to be done on a faster time schedule than others care about. We are also resentful as hell - we blame the people we are taking care of for not stepping in and taking some of our load.
For example, clearing dishes: We all rush to get the dishes cleared and cleaned, because we can't stand anyone doing more work than us. But we also get pissed (secretly of course) at the lazy people who are watching TV rather than helping.
I spend so much time trying to out-do others, that there is really nowhere else to be but lazier than me on that distribution curve. I judge them for being lazier than me because I perceive them as doing less than their fair share. But I'd rather be doing more than my fair share than being perceived as lazy by anyone else.
I think the trend is positive - my mom took steps to correct some of the sources of her negative feelings and I think is a happier person than my grandma is. I'm realizing all of this stuff relatively early in my marriage (while there is still time to fashion the dynamic we'll have as husband and wife so that it remains something that is mutually beneficial for us) and early in my daughter's life so that I don't pass along behaviors that I don't want to pass along.
I might even try some therapy. Those who have done it highly recommend it. And it might just help the late nights spent worrying about meaningless crap, and also this little nervous twitchy thing I do with my fingers.
Every time we get together, I learn more about the DNA that goes through me. For example, my grandma, mother, and I are basically the same person in a lot of ways. We are part martyr - we will do it all just for the sake of being recognized as doing it all. We are part caregivers - not resting until all people and tasks are taken care of. We're compulsive to various degrees - everything needs to be done on a faster time schedule than others care about. We are also resentful as hell - we blame the people we are taking care of for not stepping in and taking some of our load.
For example, clearing dishes: We all rush to get the dishes cleared and cleaned, because we can't stand anyone doing more work than us. But we also get pissed (secretly of course) at the lazy people who are watching TV rather than helping.
I spend so much time trying to out-do others, that there is really nowhere else to be but lazier than me on that distribution curve. I judge them for being lazier than me because I perceive them as doing less than their fair share. But I'd rather be doing more than my fair share than being perceived as lazy by anyone else.
I think the trend is positive - my mom took steps to correct some of the sources of her negative feelings and I think is a happier person than my grandma is. I'm realizing all of this stuff relatively early in my marriage (while there is still time to fashion the dynamic we'll have as husband and wife so that it remains something that is mutually beneficial for us) and early in my daughter's life so that I don't pass along behaviors that I don't want to pass along.
I might even try some therapy. Those who have done it highly recommend it. And it might just help the late nights spent worrying about meaningless crap, and also this little nervous twitchy thing I do with my fingers.
posted by Amanda Shankle-Knowlton | 6:33 PM
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