Detached
I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to accomplish with this post other than just whining. I have started to feel distant lately. I am superficially friendly with a lot of people, but I don't feel like I ever connect on a level deeper than that anymore. I can count on one hand the number of people who I feel really know me and that I really know in return.
One way of estimating this is the number of people who I would feel comfortable calling in the middle of the night if I had car trouble and needed to be picked up. Other than my husband, I don't think there's anybody in Tulsa right now who wouldn't say "Amanda who?" if I called them. Thank God for cabs, I guess.
This is largely my fault. I became comfortable with simply going to work and coming home. Home is fun. Home is where my best friend is and where my TV is and now where my baby is. I stopped reaching out to people.
I had a great group of friends in 2002-2003 when I first moved to Tulsa. It was a very comfortable group - we would go to movies, out for drinks and dinners, and other stuff. Several nights a week, something was going on. They would talk about their days and bosses and families and crushes, and I would listen and care and talk about the same things with them. The group pretty much withered away - several of us ended up in relationships (with members of the group of friends) and had our need to belong fulfilled without leaving our houses. Some of the more outgoing members left the state to explore opportunities and the rest of us were less prone to take initiative to plan things.
I am quite happy where I am in life but I have become much less social than I want to be. In the past year, I think there have only been about 3 people at our house that weren't family - not counting the plumber and HVAC guys. And the house looks like it too - stacks of clutter everywhere. The master bed has been in the dining room for months due to a cleaning project in the bedroom. In my apartment in Tulsa and later in the house that I bought, I had people over all the time. I'd have groups over for dinner and potluck lunches and offer to host planning meetings for church groups. I *liked* that people liked to be at my house. And the house never had a chance to get dirty or cluttered because I'd always pick up things before the visitors came.
Now I just feel withdrawn. I don't feel like anybody outside of family really *wants* to be with me and I don't like to stick my neck out and try to get to know anybody because they probably won't like me anyway and it will be like the junior high dance all over again.
But at the same time I'm feeling sorry for myself, I too am very picky about who I spend my time with. There are so few people that I feel I have much in common with. If I'm spending time away from my husband and baby (and, OK, the TV), it better be worth my time and not just a 2 hour discussion on mascara application techniques. For practical scheduling reasons, I have to rule out people who like to do things past 8p.m. on weeknights. I rule out people who are too nice, who don't take themselves seriously enough, who take themselves too seriously, who aren't honest, and who aren't snarky.
Despite my snobby standards, I think there are women out there who I should get to know better than just exchanging a quick wave at church or commenting on their Facebook status. I don't want Emerson to grow up to be a complete tool like I am and I'd like for her to get the impression that there's more to evenings and weekends than sitting in front of the TV or laptop.
One way of estimating this is the number of people who I would feel comfortable calling in the middle of the night if I had car trouble and needed to be picked up. Other than my husband, I don't think there's anybody in Tulsa right now who wouldn't say "Amanda who?" if I called them. Thank God for cabs, I guess.
This is largely my fault. I became comfortable with simply going to work and coming home. Home is fun. Home is where my best friend is and where my TV is and now where my baby is. I stopped reaching out to people.
I had a great group of friends in 2002-2003 when I first moved to Tulsa. It was a very comfortable group - we would go to movies, out for drinks and dinners, and other stuff. Several nights a week, something was going on. They would talk about their days and bosses and families and crushes, and I would listen and care and talk about the same things with them. The group pretty much withered away - several of us ended up in relationships (with members of the group of friends) and had our need to belong fulfilled without leaving our houses. Some of the more outgoing members left the state to explore opportunities and the rest of us were less prone to take initiative to plan things.
I am quite happy where I am in life but I have become much less social than I want to be. In the past year, I think there have only been about 3 people at our house that weren't family - not counting the plumber and HVAC guys. And the house looks like it too - stacks of clutter everywhere. The master bed has been in the dining room for months due to a cleaning project in the bedroom. In my apartment in Tulsa and later in the house that I bought, I had people over all the time. I'd have groups over for dinner and potluck lunches and offer to host planning meetings for church groups. I *liked* that people liked to be at my house. And the house never had a chance to get dirty or cluttered because I'd always pick up things before the visitors came.
Now I just feel withdrawn. I don't feel like anybody outside of family really *wants* to be with me and I don't like to stick my neck out and try to get to know anybody because they probably won't like me anyway and it will be like the junior high dance all over again.
But at the same time I'm feeling sorry for myself, I too am very picky about who I spend my time with. There are so few people that I feel I have much in common with. If I'm spending time away from my husband and baby (and, OK, the TV), it better be worth my time and not just a 2 hour discussion on mascara application techniques. For practical scheduling reasons, I have to rule out people who like to do things past 8p.m. on weeknights. I rule out people who are too nice, who don't take themselves seriously enough, who take themselves too seriously, who aren't honest, and who aren't snarky.
Despite my snobby standards, I think there are women out there who I should get to know better than just exchanging a quick wave at church or commenting on their Facebook status. I don't want Emerson to grow up to be a complete tool like I am and I'd like for her to get the impression that there's more to evenings and weekends than sitting in front of the TV or laptop.
posted by Amanda Shankle-Knowlton | 8:01 PM
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