What I'll miss the most....
So yeah, I'm still pretty down this week.
I think the main reason is that I have lost the person who was the most excited about my existence.
Never once did I call him when I wasn't met with a cheerful voice who was actually happy to hear from me. Never once did I greet him in person when he didn't give me a big hug.
95% of the time when I call people, I'm met with a voice of indifference. Like they wouldn't tell the difference between talking to me and staring at a white wall. The love is there somewhere, I just have to look harder for it.
When I talked to my dad, I never had to do anything to impress him. I didn't have to be smart or funny or interesting. I just had to *be*. I never got the impression that he was looking at his watch on the other end of the phone, or looking for some excuse to let me go.
So the feeling that I have lost my biggest fan has left me feeling quite alone. Which is far from the truth, but still.
I think the main reason is that I have lost the person who was the most excited about my existence.
Never once did I call him when I wasn't met with a cheerful voice who was actually happy to hear from me. Never once did I greet him in person when he didn't give me a big hug.
95% of the time when I call people, I'm met with a voice of indifference. Like they wouldn't tell the difference between talking to me and staring at a white wall. The love is there somewhere, I just have to look harder for it.
When I talked to my dad, I never had to do anything to impress him. I didn't have to be smart or funny or interesting. I just had to *be*. I never got the impression that he was looking at his watch on the other end of the phone, or looking for some excuse to let me go.
So the feeling that I have lost my biggest fan has left me feeling quite alone. Which is far from the truth, but still.
posted by Amanda Shankle-Knowlton | 6:50 PM
1 Comments:
I am very sorry to hear about your dad. I found your blog a while ago, and made a bookmark so I could check back "someday". Well, it's been a while since then, but in the past hour or so I came back and read your whole blog.
I was amazed to see how much you and I have in common. (Except, unfortunately, location, since I am in Pennsylvania.)
I am also a feminist, work in the software field (software engineer), and a UU. I also had a baby boy in November of 2007. So yeah, wow.
One difference? I also have a 10 year old daughter. But I went through so many of the same concerns about how she would grow up, etc. I can tell you now that she makes me SO proud. I'm probably a little older than you (I'm 34), but I'm guessing it's not a huge difference.
Well, enough about me. I will be happy to check in now & again. I also have a google blog, but it's extremely old.
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