Sorry, baby girl, we don't plan on spoiling you

Despite what the whole world seems to be forecasting for our daughter, we do not intend to spoil her. I'm sure it's just a cutesy small-talk thing that you're supposed to say when you find out that someone is having a girl, but it's really beginning to irritate me.

If you give your daughter any extra love, attention, or material goods than you would your son, you are simply preparing her for a life of being taken care of. I'd like my daughter to rely on her brains to get ahead in life - not batting her eyelashes or acting coy to make everyone say "Awww!" and give her a new pair of shoes as a reward.

Even if spoiling a child wouldn't be harmful for the family as a whole (and for the child in particular), why are girls more worthy of this treatment than boys? Because boys are supposed to be responsible and take care of themselves and girls need to rely on others? Because you can dress up your little girl like she is property rather than a human being? Because you're supposed to be teaching your boys how to fix cars and appliances rather than fawning over them?

We have so far to go and I see no signs of things improving.

Cycle of holiday stress

Thanksgiving was a perfectly lovely day at my house. I am relieved that the morning sickness has been largely absent for several weeks now and I was able to strap on the feedbag yesterday. For a lot of women, holidays seem to be more of a source of stress than of joy. I want to do what I can to make sure that my daughter doesn't feel compelled to fall into this trap that even I have found myself in during recent years. Notes to self for holidays in the future:

*Be sure to spend more time in front of the TV (or otherwise relaxing) than you do in the kitchen. Just because Grandma woke up at 4 in the morning on Thanksgiving to put the turkey in the oven and make the mincemeat and pumpkin pies from scratch doesn't mean that you have to. With the help of Reynolds turkey roasting bags, Stove Top Stuffing, Potato Buds, brown and serve rolls, and Mrs. Smith's apple and pumpkin pies, I am happy to say that I have my Thanksgiving kitchen time down to less than an hour or so, including the time to rinse the turkey and get it in the oven.

*Don't make a big deal about cleaning the house for guests. This is also a habit I had picked up from visiting extended family -- everyone's house was always so spotless, like a model home. Throw some blue stuff in all the toilets, run a vacuum quickly over the floor, make sure all of your sensitive financial documents are hidden, and call it a day.

*Don't send Christmas cards to everyone you have ever met. I get Christmas cards from all corners of the country and sometimes feel compelled to have all of these people on my mailing list too. Buying cards and stamps, writing personalized messages, and addressing the envelopes can kill an entire weekend afternoon. Just let the important people in your life know that you care about them throughout the year (through emails and phone calls and whatnot) and they won't miss the card.

*Don't worry too long about what gifts to get people. If your loved one mentions something they would like to have, make a mental or actual note so that you can maximize the chances of giving something that they want. But you'll only cause resentment if you search too long or think too hard about it, because chances are they aren't putting that much thought into your gift at all.

Lamaze cult

A Google search of Lamaze cult yields no relevant results comparing the two concepts.

The first class was this week. While there was some good material presented (call 911 and take downward pressure off the uterus if you feel something that could be the baby's umbilical cord sticking out of you), a good portion of the time was spent selling us on the idea of Lamaze.

"I have four children and used Lamaze with all of them. It made such a difference". Um, how would you know?

The video we watched consisted of a staged group discussion with many fake questions that prompted the discussion leader/paid actress to tell us how wonderful childbirth is and how you can turn you pain into sunshine and dreams through the simple act of breathing. Much how religion is used to make the poor think that their lives aren't so bad, I theorize that Lamaze is propagated by men and brainwashed women to trivialize the real pain that is felt by women. If you feel pain, it is your own fault for not believing in its power enough. If you use pain medication, you're a failure.

When it is our turn to provide the snack, we shall take some Flavor Aid to see if anyone catches the Jonestown reference.

Men's Room/Women's Room

I have been maneuvering with a more sensitive outrage detector since starting this blog, merely in order to have more material to write about.

Walking into the women's restroom at work, I once again noticed the pictogram depicting the gender of the room's intended inhabitants - the stick figure wearing a skirt. I look down at my jeans and tell myself the joke that I'm tired of making to myself - "I guess I should go to the Men's room since that's where the people with pants go".

I try to think of a set of pictograms that wouldn't irritate me on some level:

Stick figure with dangling objects from chest vs. stick figure with dangling objects from groin
Stick figure preparing Thanksgiving dinner vs. stick figure fixing a car
Stick figure sitting demurely vs. stick figure angrily peeing on a Chevy logo

Maybe the skirt isn't so bad....

Good things to remember

My friend Karen sent this to me today from Glamour magazine. I think I'm going to make a cross-stitch of the last one and hang it in the baby's crib.

The 7 best (and worst) things you can say to a girl

What you say does make an impression. Make sure it’s a good one.
Never say…
“I feel fat.”
After a second helping of stuffing, sure you do. But beware! If she sees you hating your body, she may learn to loathe hers, says Courtney E. Martin, author of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters.

“You’re young. You’ll get over it.”
Yes, she’ll survive being blown off by her so-called friend. But that doesn’t make it sting less right now. Ask how you can help.

“Men suck.”
Bashing just feeds an us-versus-them mentality, says psychologist Rita Haley, Ph.D.

“Sure you want to eat that?”
Eating a honking slab of pie is much less damaging to her than the feeling that everything she puts in her mouth is fodder for scrutiny.

“Paris is such a slut.”
Whatever you think of Ms. Hilton, trashing women teaches girls to be mean, says psychologist Sharon Lamb. Bring up Nancy Pelosi instead. Research suggests that talking with girls about female politicians can help them aspire to leadership roles.

“Guys won’t like you if you…”
It’s never good to change to “get” a guy. Tell her the right one will like every crazy, quirky thing about her.

“These are the best years of your life.”
High school?! As if.

Always say…
“Do anything fun today?”
Life isn’t all about achievements; this could help her find her passion.

“That was a brave thing to do.”
When girls stand up for someone or something they believe in, we should stand up and cheer. After all, that’s the mark of a leader.

“Let’s go for a run.”
Simply getting her going can boost her mood and self-image. Exercise also gives her confidence in her body’s strength.

“You can be anything; you don’t have to be everything.”
“You go, girl” is always a great message, but she also needs to know that when and if she wants to, she can slow down.

“Just know I’m here. No pressure. No judgment.”
It’s helpful if she knows she can turn to someone, even if she doesn’t end up doing so, says Haley.

“YUM!!!!”
Teach her to enjoy her food, not battle it.

“Well-behaved women seldom make history.”
Historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich’s so-true words tell her that if she wants to break the rules sometimes, you have her back.

Typical reactions to baby's sex

Several acquaintances have asked: "What are you having?"

My smartass response is "a baby".

When the sex is revealed, the reactions have been generally along these lines:

A girl!? You must be so excited!

I bet you can't wait to spoil her!

Girls are so cute!

Are you going to buy a bunch of pink stuff?

She'll be daddy's little girl!

If I didn't have to see these people on a daily basis, I would tell them it is a boy to see what the opposite reaction would be. Maybe I'll start doing this with strangers when I get further along to see what the range of response is if you say you are having a boy.

I don't foresee treating a girl any differently than I would a boy. Kids just need love and support in addition to all of the material things we're required by law to give. Basically, I just want to flood her with opportunities to learn about everything imaginable - math, science, and technology included. I want to steer her toward being an honest person, an inquisitive person, a responsible person, a person who can empathize with others, and a self-sufficient person. Everything else just depends on the kid. Before she is able to pick out her own clothes and toys, I do want to stick to gender neutral stuff (green and yellow clothes) or a mixture of items that are traditionally reserved for one gender or the other (i.e. toy trucks AND a play kitchen set). I extend my deepest fake apologies now for any acquaintance who is deprived of the opportunity to see my newborn in frilly pink clothing with bows affixed to her head.

To Sir (with no love)

I work as a technical support agent for a software company. This morning, I was forwarded an email from our main support email address. It was addressed from the customer: "Dear Sir".

I thought about forwarding the message back to him unanswered. My employer would not likely appreciate that very much, so I helped him without mentioning his faux pas. I do wonder if his interaction with me will affect the way he addresses his next email to tech support.

There is no direct way to correct this behavior - People in positions like mine are paid to assist the customer, not correct social injustice. Any gentle reminder to the customer that women work here too could be construed as giving bad customer service. To not be fearful of losing my job, I would need to clear it with my employer first, which would likely cause a big hoo-ha and waste valuable time I don't have.

In what cases should women point out faulty assumptions about gender, and in what cases should we just let it go? It seems that always letting things go would get us nowhere, and always pointing out the mistakes of others just proves that we are the sensitive beings that a lot of men already think we are.

Why I'm dreading Halloween 2016....

Here's a clip my husband captured yesterday morning on CNN. He has always been a good feminist in my opinion, but he's kicked it up to a new level in the past few days. I hope that our daughter strives to be a real doctor or nurse instead of just wanting to dress up like a sexy doctor or nurse.



This clip raises many questions I have few answers for concerning women and power. Do powerful women have to dress conservatively? Or is it more empowering to wear whatever you want, even if it makes you look like a sex object? Was Condoleezza taken more or less seriously after the photo came out a few years ago with her in long black boots? Should Hillary be showing cleavage on the Senate floor? I argue that these wardrobe choices were distracting - obviously they were because these examples arise every time the subject of women being taken seriously in politics comes up. I have no idea what Hillary was talking about that day on the Senate floor, nor where Condoleezza was heading in her sexy boots.

The women who impress me in my life generally dress conservatively. If I can see that a woman isn't trying to be flashy in her dress, then I take her message and leadership more seriously. This is because I assume she takes herself more seriously.