Family dynamics

Em and I went to Wichita this weekend to have a late Christmas with my mom, her sister and family, another sister, and my grandparents. It was quite a nice gathering - Four generations of chicks all under one roof.

Every time we get together, I learn more about the DNA that goes through me. For example, my grandma, mother, and I are basically the same person in a lot of ways. We are part martyr - we will do it all just for the sake of being recognized as doing it all. We are part caregivers - not resting until all people and tasks are taken care of. We're compulsive to various degrees - everything needs to be done on a faster time schedule than others care about. We are also resentful as hell - we blame the people we are taking care of for not stepping in and taking some of our load.

For example, clearing dishes: We all rush to get the dishes cleared and cleaned, because we can't stand anyone doing more work than us. But we also get pissed (secretly of course) at the lazy people who are watching TV rather than helping.

I spend so much time trying to out-do others, that there is really nowhere else to be but lazier than me on that distribution curve. I judge them for being lazier than me because I perceive them as doing less than their fair share. But I'd rather be doing more than my fair share than being perceived as lazy by anyone else.

I think the trend is positive - my mom took steps to correct some of the sources of her negative feelings and I think is a happier person than my grandma is. I'm realizing all of this stuff relatively early in my marriage (while there is still time to fashion the dynamic we'll have as husband and wife so that it remains something that is mutually beneficial for us) and early in my daughter's life so that I don't pass along behaviors that I don't want to pass along.

I might even try some therapy. Those who have done it highly recommend it. And it might just help the late nights spent worrying about meaningless crap, and also this little nervous twitchy thing I do with my fingers.

Unforgiving

I am so hard on myself.

I've always been that way.

When I was 8, I was selling candy bars for my school fundraiser. $1 a bar. I got several caught in the spokes of my bike and they were mangled and unsellable. I was pretty upset, and not entirely because I had to spend $5 of my own money to buy the candy bars myself.

When I failed my driving test when I was 16, I replayed the whole drive in my mind for weeks (and even to this day, occasionally).

When I did worse than I thought I should have done on the SAT, I flew off the handle (even though I was sick as a dog and kicked ass the next time I took it).

My second year in Tulsa, I backed into another car in the library parking lot. I was concentrating on not hitting a group of kids, and totally missed a car sitting right there. I just put a small dent in their car and nobody was hurt. But I thought of nothing else for several days after this happened.

Emerson's due date was Feb 27, and we were shooting for a Leap Day birth. I started having very constant pains the night of the 26th. Turns out I was just dehydrated and the contractions slowed down at the hospital. But I couldn't keep any liquids down so they admitted me and eventually induced stronger contractions. If only I had had more water to drink that day, I may not have missed my goal of Feb 29. Wow, right?

This week, I missed a requirement while writing a test plan and my boss caught it before I did. I didn't let it go until something else came along to worry about.

Today, I put my cell phone through the washing machine and I feel like a total failure. RIDICULOUS, I know. This in the first time in, what, 10 years that this has happened? And it's just stuff. And I did it because I was preoccupied with reading the rental car manual making sure Em would be safe in the car tomorrow. And I was going to stop using the phone next month anyway when the plan expires and get a newer phone with a cheaper contract.

Why have I never been able to let things go when I screw up? I am not as hard on other people. As long as they admit their wrongs and do their best to correct them, I'm good. But I am a total bitch to myself. I'm not successful professionally and academically because I am motivated and intelligent. It's because I'm so scared of failing. Or rather the rigor I will put myself through when I fail.

Lots to figure out before Em's old enough to more fully understand what is going on. Or else I'll be like the mom from American Beauty. Of all the things I worry about failing at, passing all of this along to Em is the worst.

Happy Holidays

I can't believe it has now been a year since Rod and I were wrapping Christmas presents, saying that next year we would be wrapping gifts to and from Emerson. This year has gone by so fast - it's hard to believe that Em is almost 10 months old. What's scary is that I'm 10 months older too and it went by in the blink of an eye.

I am in a relaxed mood right now, but usually I get sent into a bit of a tizzy around Christmas and holidays in general. I have kind of a script in my head of how I want things to go based on both tradition and my concept of equality, and when the script is violated I get disturbed. I'm trying to figure out the sources of my anger in years past so that I can do better in avoiding a meltdown this year. I want the people in my house, me included, to feel happy and loved.

I think a lot of my anger has to do with my husband taking off several days at the end of the year when his sons come over for half of their Christmas break. Right there, he's in somewhat of an "I'm relaxed and on vacation" mode. He gets to sleep late and watch TV all day and just hang out with the kids (my perception of course). I have never taken off more than one extra day around Christmas and New Year's, so I get to wake up early and attempt to go to bed early when everyone else around me is partying, or so it feels like. As a group, they're not the cleanest bunch either, so by the end of the week I feel like I need to take a high pressure hose to the entire house. Or yell at Rod to do it instead of asking nicely like a sane person.

This year, if I start to feel my temperature start to elevate I'll just get out of the house for a few extra hours. It is straight up avoiding the situation, I know, but I'm sure everyone will notice my absence less than if I started yelling or crying. When I'm gone I always end up missing them anyway, and I tend to be more forgiving of the kitchen full of dishes.

I do want to see things better from my family's perspective too. I basically entered their lives when they already had their own thing going on. How would I feel if I was comfortable doing things a certain way for so many years, and this woman comes and marries my dad and suddenly everything has to change?

This is an attempt to get all of this off of my chest so that it's less likely to burden me the rest of the week and next week. By identifying my triggers and clearly labeling them as such for me and my family as well, I hope to be more like the person I want to be.

Planning for an unfortunate future

This is going to be morbid...I guess my fog hasn't really lifted all week. I've been thinking of things that I want for Emerson in case I'm not around to see her grow up. These are in no particular order, and I'll probably have more to add to this later .

1. Continue going to All Souls or other Unitarian church if possible. This is the origin of your name, and of you as a person. This is where your dad and I met and where we were married. I know it's easy to sleep late on Sunday, but I'd like for you to be there as much as possible at least until you are old enough to decide for yourself that you don't want to go there anymore.

2. Have a Christmas tree every year and know that I really enjoyed looking at a lit Christmas tree in a dark room.

3. Try playing a sport

4. Try playing a musical instrument

5. Learn how to be thrifty. Know that for the price of a soda at a restaurant you could buy a lot more soda at the grocery store. Learn how to save money so that you don't have to borrow very much. Know that borrowing money costs you a lot more than if you just paid for it up front.

6. Learn to plan ahead. It's best to not wait until the last minute to do things like your homework and taxes.

7. Clean up after yourself, and don't think that it's your job to clean up after anyone else.

8. Be choosy when selecting a partner. Pick someone with whom you can be yourself. Pick someone who makes you laugh and think. Be smart when it comes to having sex - Know that there are consequences to any behavior and it's probably best to keep it in your pants as long as possible, but don't let other people scare you about sex so much that you don't take the time to learn how to protect yourself.

9. Don't let math, science, engineering, and computers scare you.

10. I will always support you in your dreams, no matter how crazy. I'll be there cheering you on no matter how things go.

Important things

I've been in a rather sad mood today. The weather has been icy and cold. My car was in the shop and I'll have to take it back in next week to get it fixed once they isolate a leak with some dye they put in today. I came home to find my dog Cricket with her leg tied up around her leash about 100 times. She couldn't get back to her little house so she was in the cold wind all day. We had to tie her up because the electric meter is getting read sometime this week and we were scolded to have her tied up when that is scheduled. We can't leave her inside because her bowels and bladder are too weak to last all day. But we are going to leave her inside tomorrow - screw the potential pile of crap. Watched a PBS show on chimps which had some good parts, but quite a bit about how the chimps were living for many years in horribly tight quarters. One was eating an ice cream cone very gingerly, like a polite person would do, not stuffing it in his mouth whole like you would expect an animal to do. After the show was over, there was a slide that said that that chimp had died 2 weeks after filming the show. Bummer.

Some of my sadness was finding out that someone with the name Amanda S. Knowlton was killed by a hit and run driver last week in Buffalo, NY, leaving 2 small kids. One was nine months old, just like Emerson. I found out about it from people finding my blog by searching for the string "Who will take care of Amanda Knowlton's kids?" which was a bit jarring. I thought it would take me to an ad for life insurance or something when I searched for the same thing. Nope. Sad story. Of course it put me in an "I'm going to die someday. I don't want to die. I like my life too much. But I'm probably going to die soon anyway" kind of mood the rest of the day.

I do like my life. My family is wonderful and I enjoy how I spend my time. I like how my house has laughter and crying and barking and Christmas lights.