Not so bad

Well the first week at work wasn't so bad.

The first day, I was way too busy to be overly worried about what was going on at Emerson's day care. I was concerned, but not in my usual OCD way. My coworker that had been covering my stuff as well as his stuff for the past six weeks was called to jury duty. So my first day, I had to suddenly remember how to do my job, handle my stuff, and do his stuff. It ended up being okay. No customers lost their lives or anything.

She survived her first day, so I wasn't really worried the second day either.

The third day and after, it felt like we had all settled into a pretty good routine.

I'm feeling pretty balanced. My brain feels more fully engaged now that I'm thinking more than just about poopy diapers. I'm getting some good cuddle time with Emerson in the evening, during the night, and in the morning. The laundry's not piling up - yet. I'm even attending a board meeting for my volunteer Youth and Gov't organization over speaker phone right now.

It's a nice sunny day. I'm gonna take the kid for a walk in a bit and think about how much I'm enjoying life at the moment.

A letter to baby before returning to work

Dear Baby,

The last six weeks and two days being with you all day have been amazing. I've learned a little about you, and I think you're beautiful. You've been my little buddy. I enjoy looking at your face in the middle of the night, even if it means not getting much sleep. I've enjoyed watching Dr. Phil, ER, and CNN with you all day.

But on Monday things are going to change a little bit. Mommy's going back to work, and you're going to be in daycare. The ladies there seem really nice, and you'll be in good hands.

I think working will be a good thing for all of us. I want you to see me doing challenging work so that you know that you can do it too someday. As I'm sure you know, at this point there's not much we can do at the house together except watch TV and listen to me talk to you and practice lifting your head up on your pillow. I know you're already bored being here. You get cranky when you sit in one place too long and you get mesmerized when we go somewhere new. There will be enough kids at the day care that you'll always have something exciting going on. And mommy won't be so boring anymore either. She'll share tales of bugs she found in the software and customers she helped. But she'll be thinking of you all day and looking at your picture every time she looks at her Desktop.

I hear that you're waking up now so I'll end this letter. I can't wait to see you grow up into that awesome young woman that I know that you will be. But I also enjoy you just as you are right now.

Love,

Mommy

Almost six weeks

I'm feeling much better than I was six weeks ago this evening. I can't believe it has been six weeks since I gave birth. Suddenly, it is April. Almost mid-April. Staying at home, I feel like I have missed six weeks of the world. When I return to work Monday, I suspect I'll feel like one of those coma patients who was in a car accident on prom night and wakes up in their 30s.

Today has been strange. I'm feeling a weird sense that things are ending, even though I know that is not true. I compare it to preparing for a party or vacation that I was really looking forward to, having a great time, and then having a feeling of disappointment when it was over. But other than my maternity leave ending, nothing is over. But things are transitioning in a way that is sad, but I'm not sure why. I like having a job that makes me think and I like the people I work with. I feel like my brain is deteriorating (i.e. I have actually been watching Saved by the Bell and Full House - a regressive behavior no doubt to make myself feel safe when I'm actually scared out of my mind of taking care of a baby). So I think returning to work will be a good thing. It will be a nice break to not have to feed and entertain the baby all day. But still I'm sad about it in a weird way.

I had my six week postpartum checkup today, which also placed some finality to the pregnancy and child birth process. I'm back on the same routine as before planning for the baby - back on regular medications and having checkups once a year. I don't understand why I'm sad about this -- maybe a weird evolutionary thing. I have my hands full with one kid, I had awful morning sickness, and day care is so expensive, so why am I sad about moving ahead with the non-pregnant routine?

I'll be OK. I can handle going back to work. I will be the best tech support person and software tester that there ever was. I will spend quality time in the evenings with my daughter. I'll keep my relationship with my husband strong. I'll build on my friendships, both old and new. By this fall, I'll have things under control enough to volunteer for Youth and Government again. That all sounds like a lot of work though.