She's just a poop machine...

Emerson has had explosive diarrhea for 2 weeks now and there is no end in sight.

Her daycare won't take her back until it clears up. The pediatrician is assuming a virus at this point.

Which means that either Rod or I will have to stay home with her. Probably until she starts kindergarten. Luckily for me, Rod has been generous with taking days off from work so I don't have to.

I worry that the doctor's office didn't test for some exotic infection and she is slowly wasting away on the inside. Which is stupid. Our doctor's office rocks.

I worry that one or both of us will stop being considered good employees. Which is stupid. We both totally rock at our jobs. When I do need to take off, I make sure that my bosses know that Rod takes off at least as much time for the baby as I do, so that they know that I have a 50/50 partnership at home regarding childcare and that I'm not taking off nearly as much time as I *could* be taking off if we followed traditional gender roles and let my career take the back seat every time the baby needs something.

I feel like my attention is being pulled in so many different directions right now. A month ago, I felt like I had *excess* time and was thinking about taking a college class this fall. Right now, I just feel overwhelmed. My dad had bypass surgery last month and I felt worthless for going back to Tulsa and working while he was confused and recovering in the hospital. I feel worthless for not taking better care of our now three dogs, who are all starving for attention at this point. I feel worthless for putting extra strain on my coworkers on the days I take off. I feel worthless for sitting at my desk at my largely sedentary job while Rod is taking care of Emerson. I feel worthless for not devoting more attention to my role as a Youth and Government advisor, while people who have a lot more going on in their lives than I do have been pulling my weight. I feel worthless for falling right asleep at night rather than reading something. I feel worthless because my house is such a mess that I can't stand being in the one place I'm supposed to be able to relax.

I feel bad for all the stuff I *haven't* done, but it's not like I've been lounging around doing nothing. I have just been doing a half-assed job on a million things. But that's all I can do right now. I haven't done anything just for myself in almost a month now. My cross stitch project has been untouched for weeks, which is a good measure of the "me" time I am able to get. I don't see that happening this weekend, but maybe soon.

Why am I just now finding out about this?

Is it common knowledge that this is available?

MIT publishes course material for a good number of their courses. It is called MIT Open Courseware.

Lecture notes, assignments, tests, test answers....Wow!

I want to learn EVERYTHING about Computer Science, Economics, Chemistry, Physics, Poli Sci, and Psychology and relearn everything that I have forgotten. Then move on to History, Urban Studies and Planning, Gender Studies.....

This fits well with the idea I had yesterday of auditing some OSU-Tulsa courses. I enjoy learning and seeing the new material. But I'm such an OCD-rittled perfectionist that I feel like I have to spend all of my free time studying and doing homework. Seriously, I've never made even a B. That's probably why I burned out at 22 and didn't pursue a Masters or PhD.

With our new Netflix subscription, face time with Emerson, and my new friends at MIT, I doubt I will ever be bored again.

One year ago.....

A year ago today I got to see my baby for the first time.



I liked this photo the best. You can see her arms and legs.

Seeing her and confirming she had a heartbeat was a nice reward for the weeks of agonizing morning sickness I had already experienced, and the several that had yet to come.