The Feminist Pessimist

2012-01-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

My friend John Boston took this photo in downtown Tulsa.

"Save money for the important things in life", with a woman looking knowingly at a pair of shoes.

I'm mainly blogging this so that I'll remember to write a nastygram. PSO contact info.

He shared it with me because, coincidentally, I was complaining about a local news anchor making a generalization about women liking shoes. In my first attempt to contact KJRH, the page refreshed as I was finishing up my carefully worded comment and everything was lost.

But, with Emerson settling down to watch an episode of XMen, I can do both now and not feel like I'm neglecting anybody. I am so glad I don't have any compunction about her watching TV. It gives me more "me" time.

Actively managing my online presence

2011-06-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

Turns out this blog comes up second when searching for my full name. No surprise. It's my content.

The first hit is for LinkedIn.

Other front page hits include Analytic Bridge, a social network for analytic professionals, a Facebook Event for a happy hour I attended, my company's home page, and Software Testing Club.

So according to Google, I'm an analytic, fun-loving, software testing, web-traffic-driver to my company, who also happens to be a mom who loves her daughter more than anything?

I'm perfectly fine with that.

Emerson's Birthday, or "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Doll"

2011-02-21T08:01:00.000-08:00

Em's 3rd birthday is coming up this weekend and we're thinking about gifts.

I said very sheepishly to Rod yesterday "I think she might need a d-o-l-l".

This was mostly prompted because I had remembered that Friday night, Emerson rolled up a kids' menu from El Chico and loved on it like it was a baby. She laid it in a basket so that it could take a nap while she was taking her bath.

This is hilarious. But also pathetic.

I'd give my (theoretical) *son* a doll. No reason my daughter can't have one too.

Princess Party

2011-02-17T06:16:00.001-08:00

One of our family friends has a little girl who is turning 4 this weekend. It is a "Princess Party". We are asked to dress like our favorite princess or prince.

I have no idea how to approach it. Well, I do but I'm not sure it's the "right" way to approach it. She already has a long, flowing, hand-me-down dress. She got some fancy socks and shoes as a Christmas gift. We also have a tiara somewhere. It'll be a half-assed princess but it'll look like we tried at least a little.

I'll just basically tolerate it. I won't get super excited or build it up too much. I won't gush over the other girls, other than engaging them as people. I won't let them see me roll my eyes too much.

And hope, hope, and hope again that she never wants to have a Princess Party of her own.

What do I tell her?

2010-07-24T19:12:00.000-07:00

One of the traits I want to model for my daughter is strength. Ideally, along with my husband, I'd like to show her the possibilities of what an equal partnership marriage can be.

Lately, I've been exploring this idea of equal partnership. Things have never "felt" equal to me. I mean they are a lot more equal than a lot of marriages have and there's a lot to be said for that. But it's hard to applaud an 80/20 division of labor when I really should be fighting for 50/50.

I justify it to myself in a lot of ways. I like my job a lot more than he likes his. He takes off whenever Em is sick. He's always available if I need or want to do something away from home without Emerson. It might be that I might be overlooking a lot of other stuff that brings the percentages closer together so I should stop counting altogether.....

For the first six years or so of our marriage, every couple of months I'd issue a "you need to do more around the house" decree. I explained that it wasn't just about the extra work, it's what the extra work meant - that we are not in fact equals and that he thought his free time was more valuable than mine. We had a good balance for the first year or so with our kid but soon, I felt I was doing more than my share with that situation too. And I never hid my feelings about that either.

It's been about two months since my last attempt to revisit this issue verbally with him. And I came to the realization that if it hasn't sunk in in the last six years, it wasn't going to. Nothing I can say is going to change his view or his behavior. There are numerous time management and reminder apps out there. If he really wanted to distribute things more optimally, he could do it.

So I realized this and such a powerful feeling of detachment came over me. I realized how much power I was giving him by feeling anger at his behavior. I decided to just clean, cook, change diapers, potty train, give baths, fill up juice glasses, tuck into bed, read stories, draw, take out trash, do laundry, and feed pets. I'd do all of it and assume that I'd be the one to do all of it. It's not fair. It's not ideal. But it is the best I can do. And keeping myself busy with all of it and choosing not to attribute any feelings of anger and resentment to it are incredibly powerful to me. Nagging him and yelling at him gives him power, plus I was still doing most of it anyway. It's like Charlie Brown finally deciding not to try kicking the football that Lucy was holding.

But when Em gets older and sees my doing everything, what do I tell her? This is hardly the best situation. It looks like I gave up. Surely she will see the hypocrisy, especially if I say things like men and women should be equal at home if they want to be equal at work. What do I say to her that doesn't totally set her up for failure in her own marriage? Do I wait for the day that she brings home her partner and announces her intention to get married and say something like "the key to happiness is resigned acceptance and low expectations"?

I don't know what to say to her that doesn't make me sound like a doormat or that paints her dad in a bad light. He is a good dad. He thinks the world of Emerson and would do anything for her. He'd do anything for me too. I just have to ask. Almost every time. But I don't want to ask every time. If Em asks for something, I want him to pop up out of his seat and get it about half the time. I want him to ask her if she wants to use the potty instead of me asking him to ask her. And the little dance I do in my head "should I ask him or just do it myself?" takes a lot of mental energy that I just think it's easier to do it myself and not have to worry about delegating. There is a reason that managers make more money than employees - it is hard work. And delegating is not one of my natural talents. I mean, I could get better at it, but as long as we're changing base personality traits here, he can just as easily develop the skill of taking initiative as I could develop the skill of delegating.

I'm happier than I've been in, I don't know, years. A lot of it is that I am in love with my kid - she's delightful and hilarious. I'm eating good food, exercising, reading, learning, laughing, and leading. But I bet a big portion of it has to do with not letting others decide how I feel.

Next Generation Baby-Booking

2010-06-24T06:58:00.000-07:00

A few months after Emerson was born, I started a gmail account for her.

Every now and then, I send her an email that she can read in the future.

I let her know what she's been up to as far as milestones, favorite books and toys, favorite foods, and noteworthy things that she does.

I didn't do this to replace a baby book - but since I never think to update the book, this is going to be a decent substitute. My goal, though, is to do both.

And since I'm still morbid and I also know it's a reality that there are things that I remember that her father does not notice or make a point to remember, this will give her a good sense of who I am and what she was like as a baby in case something happens and she doesn't get to know me or how much I really love her.

Follow-up to Fear

2010-03-15T03:24:00.000-07:00

I thought about the post I made last night. I mentioned that in some ways it was hard to watch Emerson adore her big brother. Why is it different now? I came along as an outsider when he was about 8. I've known the progression of MD since I met him, his parents knew at birth, and his older brother knew on some level since I met him. I think a part of me has kept him at arm's length for that reason - every time I find myself growing too attached I think a part of me backs away from him. That's horrible...I know but a mechanism I developed to deal with any sort of loss. So my own feelings are numbed to an extent. Emerson's are not. She hugs her brother, wants to go hang out with him and watch TV when she wakes up on the weekends, lights up when she sees his photo on our shelf during the week.

There is another way to look at this. How nice it must be to love someone without the fear of loss. To make a friend without thinking about how they might move away. To love your spouse, brother, sister, parents, children without thinking about all the sadness that would come if they die before you. I don't even remember loving this way myself - maybe I haven't since I was Emerson's age. I hope to be able to look at the beautiful side of this situation.

Fear

2010-03-14T18:26:00.001-07:00

I haven't read my old blog entries in a while, but I suspect a big percentage of them at least mention the fact that I need to write more. Well, I'm just going to write whenever I feel like it.

I pretty much just do whatever I feel now. I don't want to have any regrets. I have a friend whose husband has cancer and is throwing around the d- word. I have three people in my social circle who have lost children. I'm trying to deal more and more with the sad probability that Emerson will have to watch her big brother become further debilitated by Muscular Dystrophy, which is so hard because she adores him very much. The next door neighbor said somebody was trying to break into his house on Friday, and that the neighbors next to him on the other side were successfully burglarized. Not that I care about our stuff - just the loss of feeling safe. I'm trying not to live in fear. I'm trying to seize the moment and be happy and all that.

But every time I do seize the moment, ignore the future, ignore the mess in my house, spend a little more money than I should because life is short, I remember why I'm doing that and it makes me sad. I'm doing it because I'm focused on everything and everyone I love just disappearing.

Sentimental Feminist?

2009-11-11T18:16:00.000-08:00

I suck.

After last year's Thanksgiving, when I complained about feeling too overworked, I thought there's no way I'm going to put myself in that position again. If anybody wants turkey this year, they're gonna have to make it themselves.

Then, as always, I started getting sentimental. There's apparently something genetically wired into me that frickin loves the smell of turkey as it is baking for hours. Eating Stove Top and Mashed Potato Flakes and basking in the cleverness of substituting these for the time-consuming counterparts my grandma would make. Topping it with gravy that I always think I'm going to screw up and it ends up boiling over and spilling on the whole stove but apparently the boiling-over is the secret ingredient in making it taste awesome to me. That, and a lot of salt and grease.

But the feminist part of me said "No!".

So when Rod suggested tonight bringing home a pre-made turkey meal from a restaurant for Thanksgiving, my brain was at 100% CPU usage for nearly 60 full seconds, not sure how to respond. At first I thought my feelings were hurt, as in "MY HUSBAND DOESN'T LIKE MY COOKING!", and then I thought "Wow, that's so Debra Barone of me. I hate Debra Barone.", and then I thought "No, he's probably just trying to think of a way to make things easier this year."

The sentimental part of my brain started getting sad and accusing the feminist part of my brain of ruining Thanksgiving. The feminist part of my brain told the sentimental part of my brain to grow a pair.

Tradition is important to me. But so is being valued like an equal and getting as much time to relax as the men in my family do. I need to learn how to give something up. Not caring about the emotional value of a meal is probably a good way to start.

Trying to do one post a month

2009-10-20T19:29:00.001-07:00

After re-reading some of my posts, I feel like my blog is the definition of trite.

Blah, blah, blah women are capable. Blah blah blah men need to do their fair share around the house if women are going to work full time.

I'm going to try to get away from that and stick to short rants.

I'm taking an online SQL class. So I went to a meeting last night for Tulsa SQL users. It's liberal to call myself a user. And I'm certainly not a DBA. But I showed up to learn and become familiar with terminology even if most of it was way over my head.

There were a few dozen people there. And I was the only woman. Why? Lack of information about the group? Lack of interest? Other priorities?

Link to "And she's cute, too!"

2009-09-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

Can't think of anything to add that wasn't mentioned in the article or the comments...I tried to think about how I would react but I don't think anyone other than my husband has called me both capable and cute.

And she's cute, too! - Geek Feminism

Eating with women vs. eating with men

2009-08-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

"Women eating in groups of women tend to increase the calorie values of the food they choose," says Meredith E. Young, PhD, a psychologist and an assistant professor in the Centre for Medical Education at McGill University in Montreal, who led the study.

Women who eat in smaller groups of women friends, she found, eat somewhat less, and those who eat a meal with a man eat even less.

For the men, Young found a different story. Neither the number of dining companions nor the group's gender makeup seemed to make a difference in how much the men ate.

Ladies' Night Out: Diet Wrecker? , summarizing a study by McGill University in Montreal

I have seen this in the news in the past few days, and the angle of the story has been more along the lines of "Avoid girls' nights out if you want to lose weight!".

My reaction is WHY do women feel the need to eat less in front of men? I agree with this article that it probably has to deal with a woman's desire to look dainty in front of men.

Does this bother anybody else? That women's behavior is so easily influenced by the outside world while men seem to do their own thing no matter what? I can believe that there are evolutionary implications for changing behaviors based on the outside world. Centuries ago, I suppose it was necessary for women to notice more nuance in their surroundings. "Timmy is having less fun than usual. Maybe he is sick. I need to care for him." A society of socially dense women wouldn't last very long. As long as men were able to hunt, harvest, or whatever, society is fine.

But why do women behave this way around food? Why is it even something that is worth noticing? It seems that a society would survive longer if women were allowed to eat as much as they wanted so that they can bear healthy children. Maybe something changes in a society of abundance versus a society of scarcity. In a scarce society, being healthy is usually correlated with eating as much as possible. In the US today, being healthy is more about showing restraint around food. So, in a way, as much as it irritates me, I can see the evolutionary reason for women to eat less in front of men.

But why the difference in social cues when there are no men around? Women in large groups might feel that there are so many women around that their overindulgence will go unnoticed. But women in a group of 2 or 4 will notice what each of the others is eating and how much. I went out with 2 women for lunch on Friday. I scarfed my quesadillas while the other 2 took at least half of their meals in a box for leftovers. While I didn't change my behavior around the women, I certainly did NOTICE how the other 2 were eating.

My question is - even if the need to appear healthy in front of men for evolutionary reasons is legitimate - why on earth do we care what other women think of us? Are we so catty and jealous that we're afraid that another woman is going to call our husband at work and say "GUESS HOW MUCH YOUR WIFE ATE TODAY SHE IS SUCH AN UNHEALTHY FAT PIG WHO WILL BEAR UNSUITABLE CHILDREN?" It sounds stupid but it's really the only explanation I can think of.

I couldn't find anything in a Google search to see what other similar research has been done before, but it would be interesting to know what other behaviors in women change when men are around without us realizing it? Do we say less intelligent things? How is our sense of humor affected? How is our body language different?

Understanding these subtle behaviors and how they continue to give men control over us will allow us to being figuring out how to change the behavior so that women and men can interact more as equals, especially in the work place.

Fat Wife

2009-08-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you Alina Smith for sharing this.

Original blog post which linked to this video:Sociological Images: Satirizing the Sitcom

The form of feminism that appeals to me is really about gender equality. Men and women are equal. Men and women should both have the choice to make fulfilling decisions with their lives. And men and women should have equal access to all the tools and education to make this possible. So I really feel like I should speak up when men are treated poorly. This clip does the trick nicely.

O Really?

2009-07-29T13:08:00.001-07:00

Error message upon entering last name into field to get credit report from Experian: "Your last name should have only letters and spaces".

This offends me both as a software tester and a feminist. Nobody thought of hyphens? Now I have to decide whether they want me to enter Shankle Knowlton, Knowlton, Shankle, or ShankleKnowlton.

I picked wrong so I have to submit a request by mail now.

A new post!

2009-07-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

This one is short though.

Emerson's teacher at daycare told me that she had been stealing toys away from the other toddlers in her room.

I know that's not ideal and we'll work with her and continue to set a good example. But right now I'm pretty sure she's not capable of understanding the concept of MINE and YOURS.

But I wonder - and maybe parents of boys can fill me in - would my daughter's teacher have even told me about it if Emerson were a boy? Is it just expected that boys are going to be mean and rough, and it comes across as especially egregious when a girl does something like steal a toy? Just curious.

Yellow Book Commercial

2009-06-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

Yellow Book Commercial

If they shot the exact same script, but with the husband and wife roles swapped, it would be demeaning and sexist. So why isn’t it demeaning and sexist as it is?

Trick question.

It is.

Originally posted here by my husband.

I couldn't agree more!

Plastic surgery?

2009-06-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

There is absolutely irrefutable data to support the idea that good-looking people do better in life than everyone else. Gordon Patzer, in his book, Looks, draws from a wide body of research to describe the advantaged life of a good-looking person from the time they are a baby (good-looking babies get better parentings) to the time they are in sales (the whole sales team performs better if there are more good-looking people on the team.)

As a result, I have jumped on the plastic surgery bandwagon. Super-smarty Chelsea Clinton got plastic surgery before she entered the work world. We should all do that.

How to be a tall person at work, written by Penelope Trunk

This blog writer doesn't have the best reputation but I usually find that her posts inspire my own thoughts.

What should the "feminist" position be on this? Should individual women look out for themselves economically first? If so, then getting plastic surgery to avoid any disadvantage of being thought of as unattractive is the best option.

But is there a question of principles here? What if we don't want to give in to the idea that better looking women are justified in making more money than average or unattractive women? What if we think we should raise awareness that this is going on - maybe by doing some sort of sensitivity course in attractiveness or institute some sort of affirmative action for ugly people?

Is this even a battle worth taking on - it seems to divide our message too much if women demand equal pay with men, and while we're at it, unattractive women demand equal pay with attractive women? Each of us should just play the game we need to play to get ahead - if we need to change ourselves to be on par with men, then so be it.

But what happens when everyone gets plastic surgery? Then we'll have different tiers of attractiveness among people who have plastic surgery. Which will lead to more plastic surgery, and eventually we'll all look like Meg Ryan.

Would any of you ever consider plastic surgery? Would your reasons be economic or more personal? Would you negatively judge a woman who receives plastic surgery?

Nice link from NPR

2009-06-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my friend Karen for pointing me to this article: Dear Pixar, From All The Girls With Band-Aids On Their Knees by Linda Holmes

I couldn't agree more. Make an exciting movie about a girl that we can take Em to in a few years that will be every bit as inspiring as the rest of your movies. Not that she can't be inspired by a story that happens to a boy, but the more that you can identify with a character, the more you can typically get from a story.

At least one of the comments mentions Mulan. I can't recommend this movie more. Not only for little girls, but for little boys as well so that they too can see that women can be more than princesses.

Why WCA?

2009-05-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

We were *so* thrilled with Emerson's daycare at the YWCA until six weeks ago. Then they hired a new site director who was either tasked with or took it upon herself to spend less money.

This is when we started to notice some changes. Emerson's primary teacher doesn't get there until 8. But the lady who is supposed to watch her before 8 doesn't get there until 7:15, or I should say isn't allowed to clock in until 7:15 and is reprimanded if she clocks in one minute early. Since the facility opens at 7, I usually show up a few minutes after 7 in order to be at work by 7:30 or earlier. If I got there before 7:15, I am allowed to leave Emerson in another room, but the site management made it clear with tone and body language that they weren't happy about it since Emerson is a big kid and shouldn't be in with the little babies.

This didn't really phase us...We thought it was just a transitional time, we'll give it a chance, it's not better anywhere else, etc.

Then a bunch of small things that started piling up. One day, I picked up Emerson and she was wearing one shoe. Which was on the wrong foot. It happens...I've done it once before myself...No big deal.

She came home once, red as a fire engine with a sunburn despite us having sent sunscreen. One mistake...she was fine the next day...no big deal.

I had to take Cricket to the vet this morning, so Rod dropped Emerson off at daycare. I was curious if any of the staff had shown up on time after the long weekend so I asked Rod about it. It still sounded hectic there according to him, so I dropped by this afternoon at the end of the toddlers' nap time.

Emerson apparently doesn't have a crib anymore. She has a mattress on the floor.

Which made it even more horrifying to see that the gate to her classroom was left open.

I wasn't worried about her getting out into the world since the front door is so heavy, but the lobby is not especially childproofed. Think computers on dangly cords and electrical outlets.

I sarcastically asked the office lady who was covering Em's room if the gate to the room was usually left open, expecting something resembling an apology. She said "no - if we did, the kids would be gone". Yeah - like they could have been just then.

This office lady was scrambling around trying to cover everyone else's breaks while answering the phone and handling other office and administrative tasks. I don't know if Em's "usual" teacher was out on break or sick or what. I say "usual" because she's had 3 teachers in the past 3 months.

The leaving the gate open, along with the dismissive attitude when I inquired about it has led us to make today Em's last day at this facility.

I'm taking tomorrow off and going to seek out care elsewhere. I have several good recommendations from people who are currently using care at these places (who presumably love their own kids). A few of which have openings now or in the near future.

This is actually going to turn into a feminist rant.

The motto of the YWCA is "eliminating racism, empowering women".

I do not currently feel very empowered.

1. I had to make the very difficult decision of whether to leave her there for the duration of the afternoon, or take her home and have to explain everything to my employer afterward. I have child care because, aside from illness, I want to be able to focus on my job during the day. One reason I think women are at a disadvantage in the workforce is that employers and potential employers sometimes assume that women are more preoccupied with their children than men are. I want to do everything I can to not give my employers and coworkers cause to believe this. And I honestly do believe that my employers "get" this about me and our other female employees.

2. After deciding that she was probably going to be OK there for a few more hours, my husband and I planned our next move. Do we pull her out now? Do we take time off of work while we find a new place? Who is going to take off the time? If we don't take off the time and something bad happens while a new place opens up, won't we regret it a lot? Are we overreacting? We decided that no, we were not overreacting and yes, we would regret it if something bad happened. It turns out that the employees at my husband's company had been reprimanded that very day for taking too much unscheduled PTO and have a release coming out in six weeks. And the other side of the coin of women being assumed to be responsible for children is that men are assumed NOT to be responsible for children. So Rod would probably get hassled more for taking time off of work for this purpose than I would. And in these tough economic times, yada yada yada. And since my husband makes more than I do anyway...the decision was complete. And that's how women get crapped on in the workforce. Child care is supposed to even out the playing field, but only if it is child care that can be trusted. If this drags out longer than next few days, my husband and I will work out a decent arrangement between us and with our employers so that neither of our careers suffers long term damage. But that's only because my career is important to me and my husband and I'm willing to fight for it if he ever happens to forget in the future. I'm lucky to have a guy who takes my place in the workforce seriously. A lot of women don't have that.

3. At the end of June, I was going to take my first few days off in quite a while that weren't directly parent- or child-care related. We were going to do some traveling. But nope, chances are I'll have to use these days off caring for my kid. Which will be fun and time well spent, but certainly not empowering.

4. And I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm lucky enough to have been at my job for 3 years and have a good, understanding relationship with my employers. I have paid time off. And if I use my paid time off, I have enough money saved so that I don't have to worry if I have to take a few days unpaid. A lot of women aren't so lucky. Many of the families I see there are on subsidy and appear to be going to hourly jobs that probably don't pay a whole lot. What do these people do when they see something fishy at daycare? Maybe they haven't been at their job very long. Maybe they are scared to approach their bosses about taking time off, out of fear of losing their jobs. Maybe they don't have paid days off and simply cannot afford to be without childcare, no matter how much they question its quality. Do you think these women feel very empowered?

I feel good about this decision to pull her out of this place. But it truly sucks that we've had to make it.

Memorial Day

2009-05-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

I've never been a big fan of Memorial Day.

It marks the start of summer, which was always a difficult time for me as a kid. I didn't like school as much as I hated not being in school. I need to keep my mind very busy. If it isn't busy, it starts to go to strange places to keep itself occupied. Most of these places are unpleasant. I start worrying about irrational things.

When I was old enough to drive and get a job during the summers, it really helped the overactive mind thing. I was either working, sleeping, or out doing other things. But I still felt a sting of depression around Memorial Day, probably residual from when I was younger.

When I was in college, Memorial Day weekend always meant the start of a new job the next few days. One summer I worked at a daycare. One summer I worked as an intern in DC. The next I worked at OU doing housing studies all over the state. I wasn't necessarily dreading the jobs, but starting a new job is typically one of life's more stressful events, so I spent most of these Memorial Day weekends just trying to deal with my nervousness.

My first Memorial Day out of college was a bit depressing. I had only been in Tulsa a few weeks and the only people I knew were from work. I stayed at my apartment alone all weekend, except for going to try out All Souls Unitarian. There wasn't much going on there that weekend to get involved with. Also, that was the weekend of the I-40 bridge collapse, which killed about a dozen people, mostly from drowning. I have always thought that drowning would have to be the worst way to die so I kept replaying in my mind what those people must have gone through. And like I said, I have an overactive mind that gets worse when I'm alone and don't have much to do.

Since then, things have been better. The most stressful thing over the last 3 years was doing tech support for our international offices, who do not celebrate Memorial Day. So on Tuesday, we could always expect to have to do 2 days worth of work. So all in all, not too bad.

Last year, my dad came up to visit us from Oklahoma City. He read to Emerson and we ate hamburgers and hot dogs. It was a pretty decent day, except for me having a 102 fever and being lousy company. I know tomorrow will be tough, since I'm (obviously) big on remembering anniversaries of things and remembering what we were doing a year ago today, etc. I'll probably spend a fair amount of time thinking about how Dad isn't around to come see us this year.

And this year, we are struggling with Cricket. I've talked about Cricket before - she's the dog my family got when I was 14, and my dad has kept her since I left home. Rod and I took her in when Dad went into the hospital. She has a nasty skin infection that has not yet responded to antibiotics, and this is the 2nd or 3rd skin infection she's had in the past year. She doesn't seem too happy with her life anymore - no animation in her eyes. She likes to be pet, but I think it's only because it relieves her itching momentarily. She yelped and cried during her bath yesterday. She barks often, but I'm not sure if it's out of pain or just because she wants to get our attention. I am dreading taking her to the vet on Tuesday. I'm just going to write down everything to be sure I don't forget it, weighing my concerns about her pain with my fear of putting her down prematurely. She is a lot to deal with, and I worry that part of me just wants the convenience of not having to mess with her anymore. It's sad that I have to wonder if I'm really that bad of a person. I'll just take my cues from the vet to see if there's any financially feasible way to improve the quality of her life, and if not, do what we need to do to end her pain.

More things I know

2009-05-19T18:28:00.001-07:00

On Emerson's birthday I mentioned that I didn't really know much about her yet. Here are a few things that I have either learned in the past three months or are clearer now.

1. Emerson apparently likes books more than the other kids in her class do. We knew she liked them, but every teacher she's had has made a big deal about how much she liked looking through the books and being read to.

2. She's a bit compulsive....She knows when things don't belong on the floor. She puts stray items on the table or when she is unsure, she hands the item to me or Daddy for disposal or to put in its proper place. She has kind of a thing about shoes too. If either my shoes or Rod's shoes are on the floor, she brings them to us. If we sit them down on the floor again, she insists that we keep the shoes in our hands. She likes to sort things too. Definitely a trait from me.

3. She's a people-pleaser. Another trait from me. She likes to be praised for any job she has done well.

4. She gives awesome hugs. Yesterday she ran across the yard to me with her arms up and ready to hug, as if she were flying. She also makes a content humming sound when the hug you give her is particularly good.

5. Emerson has a good sense of humor. Tonight she was putting blocks on top of my head and laughing and laughing and laughing about it.

6. She's very smart. She already knows which shoe goes on which foot. When we were staying in a hotel, she walked right up to the air conditioning system and flipped the lid to get to the controllers like she had been doing it her whole life.

7. She gets frustrated when she can't do something perfectly. Me again. There is a lid to her bucket of blocks. If she can't get the lid to stay on the bucket, she gets frustrated and cries. If I help her out, this is no good. She needs to have done it herself.

Here is a photo of her today. I like the look of pure joy on her face. Emerson was in the process of carrying Daddy's shoes across the room while also getting chased by (and chasing) the dogs. She doesn't typically wear dresses or skirts, but today was picture day at school. She usually wears solid colored pants and a print top and dark blue Velcro shoes that were purchased in the boys' section at Target. Sadly, I the teachers seem to give her more attention when she's dressed up like a cute little girl. We would think that the YWCA would be more mindful of this kind of thing, but no such luck.

From Emerson - Various

Mondays are hard....

2009-05-18T18:49:00.001-07:00

Almost every Monday for the past 2 1/2 years or so until April, I called my dad during my lunch hour. I'd try to take a walk while I talked to him...sometimes I'd just sit in my car.

We'd catch up with events over the past week. He asked how Rod, Scott, Thomas, and Emerson were. We talked about how OU or the Dallas Cowboys had screwed up the past weekend. And we talked a lot about the TV we watched that week.

It was hardly ever ground breaking discussion....mostly small talk. But it was both of us taking time out of our days to let the other know we were thinking of them.

He almost always told me he was proud of me. I wasn't sure for what....I have a good job that I like a lot, but it's not like I've won the Nobel Prize or anything. I have a quiet little life...I go to church, I show up at work on time...I play with my baby, and with few exceptions that's pretty much it. Maybe pursuing my own idea of happiness is what he was proud of.

Since the beginning of April, I feel a bit hollow during lunch on Mondays. For the first few weeks, I was busy making phone calls related to his estate. But now there's not much else to do except move on. Last Monday, I went to get a $1.99 chicken fried steak meal at KFC because CFS was something he always liked. I'm probably rationalizing my food addiction but it helped me feel closer to him somehow.

I get sad when I think about all the stuff he's missing. Emerson's walking all around now....giving hugs and kisses and chasing dogs. Scott starred in a play 3 weeks ago and graduates this Friday. Thomas looks great after the surgery and is working hard on his recovery. Rod is down over 35 pounds since the start of the year.

All I can do is be proud of them on Dad's behalf.

April is over

2009-05-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot of time to write these days. I'm trying to do a better job of relaxing in the evenings, and I find I do a better job of that if I don't even turn my computer on at night. I'm

The total crap month of April is now over. On the 29th, I started feeling tired and achy and wondered if two days was enough time to die of swine flu. It would fit, after all. I did start feeling better, and the month ended with only two members of my family spending time in the hospital. To my knowledge at least. Not counting the urgent care trip that Rod and Scott took last weekend to get their heads to stop bleeding after a head to head collision involving a baby gate.

Three incidents with cars -- A minor tap on the way to the hospital for Thomas's surgery. The coil in the van went bad. Luckily, that was fixed quickly. The chemical odor in my car returned - the one that acts up at highway speeds after about an hour and gives me a headache and sore throat. Not coolant. Not exhaust. Nothing on fire. Midas's theory was that some new spark plugs would help the fuel burn more efficiently - that there was perhaps an imbalance of oxygen or something causing too much unburned fuel to make it to the catalytic converter, which could heat up after a while and filter into the car. No harm - the car needed them anyway if you believe the factory suggested maintenance guidelines and it ended up improving my mileage at least on my next trip to OKC. So far the odor has not returned but it was intermittent anyway so it will be hard to tell whether it is fixed or not. So several hundred dollars spent on car repairs.

Thomas got to go home from the rehab hospital (like for physical therapy - not for drug use) the same day as Dad's memorial service. I got to see him twice last weekend - he's looking good but I am sure he is getting bored by now spending most of his time at home.

The city gave us a nastygram about Cricket barking all day and all night. Understandable - I just didn't need the threat of 30 days in jail or a several hundred dollar fine this month. Cricket is almost 15. My family got Cricket when I was a freshman in high school, and Rod and I took her in when Dad went into the hospital last summer. We started crating her during the day, since we got a nastygram from the electric company saying that the meter reader felt threatened when Cricket was in the yard on meter reading day. Plus she for some reason chews on herself when she has enough room to move around and her skin was doing better if she was in a confined space. Lately she just hadn't had the bodily function control to stay in her crate and she is getting bad arthritis so staying in mostly one position all day was bad news, so we decided to take our chances with the electric company and leave her in the yard all day. Well apparently she barks at the door the entire time my husband and I are at work, and she barked all night and since the bedrooms are at the other end of the house from the back door we couldn't hear her. Anyway now we have a dog door, and Cricket is so anxious that she spends most of her time stumbling from one side of the door to the other to make sure that everything is okay on both sides. She is me in dog form. Luckily her skin condition is getting better and the meds for the arthritis we got this month are helping.

Emerson is a great gal. She's 14 months now. I find it hard to believe that just two months ago I was writing of her first birthday, and we're already a sixth of the way to another one. Losing my dad a month ago today, at just about this time, a few minutes after 10 - has gotten me to start thinking about my own role as a parent. I already did a morbid post on this several months ago - things I want Emerson to know or do if I don't get to see her grow up. But one can't help but think about the short time we have in this world - blah blah blah life is fleeting -- blah blah blah, etc. It is cliche, but there is a reason everyone talks about it. It is true.

I go through most of my life assuming now that everyone I love and care about is going to die soon. Or that I will. It leaves me in a fog of sadness most of the time but I think I'm a nicer person because of it.

It makes me want to send more greeting cards and buy more gifts.

It makes me want to put a big smile on Emerson's face every chance that I get.

It makes me want to hug my old old dog and tell her that everything is going to be okay.

It makes me make wise use of my time. I'm writing this after Emerson goes to bed because I don't want to miss out on any time with her. And don't even ask me how dirty our kitchen is or how much laundry I need to do.

It makes me want to tell my stepsons how proud I am of them and the young men they have become. I will have their backs in anything that they do.

I never leave the house or let Rod leave the house without a big hug and an "I love you".

It makes me want to live the kind of life I want to be remembered for. I want people at my memorial service to say "That Amanda was one hell of a broad". I want to be kind. I want to be generous. I want to be sharp as a tack. I want to be funny. I want to make a difference.

There was no real goal to this post. I almost wrote a break up note to Parenting Magazine, but remembered I have plenty other things I need to be doing. Rod summarizes one of the issues I have with them pretty well here and I left a comment on another blog here. And I guess if there's a magazine market for mommies who only really care about mascara and dressing up their little girls in trendy pink clothes and teaching their little boys that raising children is women's work, then who am I who judge? There's no advertising money for the kind of magazine I'd like to write - how to be frugal and not really care all that much about your appearance. But the magazines that do exist will provide plenty of opportunities to teach Emerson about manipulation and stereotypes, which should be a lot of fun too.

What I'll miss the most....

2009-04-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I'm still pretty down this week.

I think the main reason is that I have lost the person who was the most excited about my existence.

Never once did I call him when I wasn't met with a cheerful voice who was actually happy to hear from me. Never once did I greet him in person when he didn't give me a big hug.

95% of the time when I call people, I'm met with a voice of indifference. Like they wouldn't tell the difference between talking to me and staring at a white wall. The love is there somewhere, I just have to look harder for it.

When I talked to my dad, I never had to do anything to impress him. I didn't have to be smart or funny or interesting. I just had to *be*. I never got the impression that he was looking at his watch on the other end of the phone, or looking for some excuse to let me go.

So the feeling that I have lost my biggest fan has left me feeling quite alone. Which is far from the truth, but still.

April Fools!

2009-04-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

First of all I'm sure the title of my blog post would be Dead Dad Approved.

And so would the first sentence of this post.

My father - 66 years old - passed away from heart disease on April 1. He lost consciousness at his house in the morning, went to hospital in ambulance, and was admitted to the ICU. They had him on a temporary pacemaker and a lot of meds to keep his heart going and were planning on inserting a permanent pacemaker Thursday or Friday. I got down to OKC around 5:30p.m. and got to visit with him for 90 minutes or so. He was conscious and coherent and cracking jokes with my brother and me. They kicked us out for shift change from 7 to 8. We came back at 8. I don't remember the conversations, other than my dad saying something about how much it meant for us to be there, and my dad said that I'm now a parent so that I would understand that too. I told him a story about what Emerson

would be doing at that moment, which is running around happily screaming when she was supposed to be getting tired and going to bed. Then Dad said he was tired. We told him we'd be back in the morning and gave eachother hugs and squeezes. We left his room around 8:10.

My brother Jayson received a call right before 10 that Dad was in a code blue. I was at his apartment, so I drove us back to the hospital. At the entrance to the ICU, we could see the entrance to my dad's room where there was a big pile of dirty linens. I knew what had happened when one of the nurses said "There's the family". They took us to a "Consultation Room" which is a euphemism for "Death News Room". I watch ER so I know the drill about prefacing the news with the treatments that they tried followed by we did all we could followed by a use of dad's name in conjunction with a past tense verb.

We decided to go in and see his remains. I talked to his body. I told him I really wasn't sure what he wanted us to do from here but that we would do our best. Then we told a few good stories of funny things he had said or done. One of the last things I said to him was "So....THAT happened" - from State and Main, one of his favorite movie quotes. In the movie it was used when Alec Baldwin stumbles away from the fiery car crash that he caused.

My bro and I dealt with a few things Thursday. Namely setting up memorial service arrangements.

At 4p.m. I decided to shift gears. You see, I had planned on being in OKC around that time anyway. My stepson had been scheduled for a surgery that my husband describes in great detail here.

I wanted to be sure that I was sending nothing but good vibes Thomas's way. My dad loves both of Rod's sons as if they were his blood grandchildren. He knew that we were confident but the normal amount of nervous about Thomas's surgery. So Dad didn't even call me on Wednesday because he didn't want to distract us from being there for Thomas (my brother called me anyway). So I decided to put my grief on hold for a day or so, at which I was mostly successful.

Thomas's surgery went great. There is a long road of recovery ahead, but everything has gone just as it should.

I love my family so much. Emerson is a great distraction - her smile, coupled with the "normal" act of changing her diapers has been a great source of strength. My husband and I exchange hugs that say nothing but "I know you're hurting. I hurt too. I'm hurting for my own reasons and also hurting because you're hurting." My brother is a source of comic relief and did a lot of stuff today while I was at the hospital.

I think I originally wanted to post some favorite memories of my dad. I'm getting tired so I'll only post 2.

I'm so happy that my dad got to walk me down the aisle at my wedding and see me get 5 good years (and counting) with a guy who makes me laugh and "gets" me.

I'm so happy he got to meet Emerson. He was there shortly after the birth, and he got to see her the last time in February. He didn't get to see her walk but he got to see her awesome smile.

So Thomas is in an ICU bed tonight in very good hands and on very good pain meds. I got to see him briefly tonight but they only let 2 at a time back there, slots which must be shared among his mom, dad, stepdad, older brother and me. We're all relieved to have the surgery itself behind us. All of this is going to be a slow process. Thomas will be in the hospital for several more days and (hopefully anyway) in a rehab facility for a few more weeks after that. As Thomas's condition improves and as more of the busy-work of dealing with a death gets done, I know the hole in my heart will start to get bigger. But I have many many happy memories with which to fill it.

And the feminist Boooooo! goes to....

2009-03-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

Bank of Oklahoma!

New card arrives in the mail today addressed to:

Amanda S. Knowlton.

They managed to screw up both my middle name AND my last name. Despite having a copy of my driver's license, they just entered it in the system however they jolly well wanted to.

Very kind gentleman corrected the problem over the phone without getting all judgy, so that's one point in their column. But still -- low interest rates on their checking/savings accounts PLUS having one more call to have to make...Boooooo!

Happy Birthday

2009-02-27T18:46:00.000-08:00

Emerson is one year old today. I can't believe it!

It has been a strange day -- part of me is actually a bit sad. In the sense that I'm never going to see her as a little baby ever again. It should be exciting - I look at early photos of her when she was floppy and unable to smile or hold her head up or sit, and think Wow, she was so boring then. She's a year closer to being able to feed and toilet herself. A year closer to reading and expressing her needs articulately rather than crying or screaming. So my slight sadness doesn't make sense.

Probably part of what I am interpreting as sadness is probably pride and anticipation. I can't wait to get to know her. There is a wide variety of personalities in our family - so she could be anything, really. Will she be like me - conscientious, snarky, and neurotic? Will she be like her dad - filled with all kinds of practical wisdom, quick wit, and patience? Her big brother Thomas - an artist and an encyclopedia of knowledge? Her big brother Scott - shining on stage and in any political discussion? Her quiet grandma or disc-jockey grandpa? Her back-office worker uncle or marketing pro aunt?

All I really know about her so far is that she recognizes laughter when she hears it and chimes right in. And that she constantly has to know what is going on around her - so much so that she can't sleep if there are new people around because they might be fun and she might miss out. These are great qualities and they make me love being around her so much.

I've been kind of an emotional sap lately -- I got teary at the end of the book Em got for her birthday because the hippo was all alone. I got teary at the curtain call of Scott's musical last night because I know they have been working so hard and they all looked so proud about the amazing job they had just done and to be finally recognized publically for it. I get teary when one of my Youth & Govt kids puts their whole self into a speech to get people to vote for their bill or looks proud when hitting the gavel against the desk to adjourn the session. I'll pull out of it and go back to my usual staid self. I'm saying this because I hope to be back to my regularly scheduled voice of outrage soon enough. Possible topic - Why do nurses make such a big deal about dads bringing their own children to the doctor? They are working women...have they worked all this time plus taken off for every personal errand their child needs and never expected their husbands to do the same or didn't have husbands who WANTED to? We have come so far....

Detached

2009-02-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to accomplish with this post other than just whining. I have started to feel distant lately. I am superficially friendly with a lot of people, but I don't feel like I ever connect on a level deeper than that anymore. I can count on one hand the number of people who I feel really know me and that I really know in return.

One way of estimating this is the number of people who I would feel comfortable calling in the middle of the night if I had car trouble and needed to be picked up. Other than my husband, I don't think there's anybody in Tulsa right now who wouldn't say "Amanda who?" if I called them. Thank God for cabs, I guess.

This is largely my fault. I became comfortable with simply going to work and coming home. Home is fun. Home is where my best friend is and where my TV is and now where my baby is. I stopped reaching out to people.

I had a great group of friends in 2002-2003 when I first moved to Tulsa. It was a very comfortable group - we would go to movies, out for drinks and dinners, and other stuff. Several nights a week, something was going on. They would talk about their days and bosses and families and crushes, and I would listen and care and talk about the same things with them. The group pretty much withered away - several of us ended up in relationships (with members of the group of friends) and had our need to belong fulfilled without leaving our houses. Some of the more outgoing members left the state to explore opportunities and the rest of us were less prone to take initiative to plan things.

I am quite happy where I am in life but I have become much less social than I want to be. In the past year, I think there have only been about 3 people at our house that weren't family - not counting the plumber and HVAC guys. And the house looks like it too - stacks of clutter everywhere. The master bed has been in the dining room for months due to a cleaning project in the bedroom. In my apartment in Tulsa and later in the house that I bought, I had people over all the time. I'd have groups over for dinner and potluck lunches and offer to host planning meetings for church groups. I *liked* that people liked to be at my house. And the house never had a chance to get dirty or cluttered because I'd always pick up things before the visitors came.

Now I just feel withdrawn. I don't feel like anybody outside of family really *wants* to be with me and I don't like to stick my neck out and try to get to know anybody because they probably won't like me anyway and it will be like the junior high dance all over again.

But at the same time I'm feeling sorry for myself, I too am very picky about who I spend my time with. There are so few people that I feel I have much in common with. If I'm spending time away from my husband and baby (and, OK, the TV), it better be worth my time and not just a 2 hour discussion on mascara application techniques. For practical scheduling reasons, I have to rule out people who like to do things past 8p.m. on weeknights. I rule out people who are too nice, who don't take themselves seriously enough, who take themselves too seriously, who aren't honest, and who aren't snarky.

Despite my snobby standards, I think there are women out there who I should get to know better than just exchanging a quick wave at church or commenting on their Facebook status. I don't want Emerson to grow up to be a complete tool like I am and I'd like for her to get the impression that there's more to evenings and weekends than sitting in front of the TV or laptop.

A hundred different places

2009-02-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

I'm basically using this blog as a journal since I don't keep a separate journal anymore. I'm also imposing the "no backspace" rule again except to correct spelling or grammar errors. I've found that it makes me feel less self-conscious and allows me to write more.

I'm exhausted.

I was away in OKC from Thursday afternoon to Saturday evening for a Youth & Govt conference. It's always a whirlwind weekend but I feel good by doing it - much like exercising makes me feel better afterward. One might feel proud of giving up two days with their 11 month old baby in order to spend some time with other people's kids. One should feel proud. But - the whole drive down on Thursday, I was worried about how missing work was going to look. Are they going to think I'm soft and expendable if I take a day off work to prance around the OK Capitol? I worried about this when I had the chance on Friday as well. I was not prancing, actually, but fielding questions and taking care of some logistical stuff that the youth officers aren't in a position to worry about.

Friday night, I started beating myself up for being away from Emerson. Rod has back problems and was not 100% up to taking care of her. I took care of her when I had a 103 fever just fine and didn't think anything of it except that it was something that I had to do when Rod had other things going on. But I was blaming myself for putting Rod in the position of having to strain himself.

Plus I joined this board at church. It is a working board, which requires some commitment outside of meetings once a month. I thought I would "treat" myself to some required time away from work and baby so that I could spend some time giving back to the church that I love and miss. Now I'm starting to feel guilty that this will take away from other places I "should" be.

I am starting to feel like a stereotype. No matter how much I give, it is not enough. It's not that I don't care, it's just that if I spend time working on the Youth & Govt website, that is time that I won't be able to upload pictures for the grandparents to see of Emerson. If I spend an extra hour or two at work so that I can be an important person there, that's time that I won't be able to feed Emerson and read to her. If I spend a Wednesday night directing traffic at church, that's time that I won't be able to stay late at work, work on the Y&G website, or feed or read to Emerson. And so it goes.

A long time ago, I attended a conference workshop intended for teachers. One of the little mantras was "stop shoulding on yourself". I need to be content with what I do and not feel bad about the opportunity costs of doing it. I need to stay away from people who don't thank me for what I do but instead prod me to do more than I want. And every once in a while, it is okay to say "no".

February again already...

2009-02-03T18:07:00.000-08:00

This has been by far the quickest year of my life.

This time last year, we were a few weeks away from having Emerson. I remember it as a very happy time. I was excited. We had 3 baby showers among our friends and workplaces. I was wrapping things up at work to be gone for 6 weeks, so I didn't get stressed out much there. I could eat whatever I wanted. The baby was still safely inside - I knew where she was at all times, and a good kick now and then was enough to let me know everything was going OK.

Despite all the good things that were afoot, I think I also remember that time as happy because of all the free time I had. We saw 3 of the Best Picture nominees in the theater, a place I haven't been in a year. I had a good hour or so every night to do nothing but cross stitch stuff for the baby's room. Lots of time for writing and shopping and cleaning and going to church.

I still enjoy all of these things, but mornings and evenings and weekends are shorter these days. They're much shorter for a good reason - I'm not saying I have any regrets. But I would advise all potential parents to enjoy their free time while they have it.

I'm in the process of trying to reclaim some of the free time that I had before. I'm joining a board at church - not exactly "free" time, but any time that I'm not taking care of the baby seems like free time. Plus it will allow me to reconnect with old friends that I don't see very much. I'm writing right now, thanks to Rod feeding the baby and getting her to sleep.

I hate that time will apparently pass at this rate from now on. I doubt I'll get that much more time to myself later on - with softball games and parent/teacher conferences to go to. But I'm learning to put extra value on the few minutes a day I get of it, as well as high value on the time I get to spend with the awesome little person who is growing up right in front of me.

What a catch....

2009-02-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

I saw this live on Hardball the other night. Toward the end, Former House Majority Leader Dick Armey tells Editor-in-chief of Salon.com Joan Walsh that "I'm so damn glad that you could never be my wife, cause I surely wouldn't have to listen to that prattle from you every day."

Not only does he dismiss what she has to say on the basis of her gender, he seems to imply that everything wives in general say is "prattle". Too bad this one is taken, girls.

To me, this "soft" sexism is the scariest thing about gender relations. We can fix things like equal pay and access to contraception, but when a certain portion of the male population doesn't think that women have value beyond nagging their husbands, this is much harder to fix.

Not exactly related to my blog's main topic...

2009-01-10T12:54:00.000-08:00

Everyone else did this last fall, but here it is. Seven things you might not know about me. Tagged by @jonathaneunice on Twitter.

1. I donate blood frequently. It is one of the few "good" things I do. I'm up to over four gallons. I've done it pretty much every 56 days for the past several years, except when I was pregnant. Actually I did it once when I was pregnant but before I knew.

2. I'm a better than average pool player. In college, I once spent every day of Spring Break at Slick Willies.

3. I was a founding member of the Young Republicans at my high school. I liked the promise of small government and self responsibility. But our group volunteered at a state convention, where all the speakers talked about was hating gay people and abortion. I was sent into a political identity crisis, because those people were not like me at all. I quietly remained a registered Republican until 2004 but changed so I could vote in the Democratic Primary that year. I interned in Washington for Republican Congressman J.C. Watts in the summer of 2000, but I voted for Gore in the fall of 2000.

4. Most of my neighborhood was destroyed in the May 3, 1999 tornado. It was finals week of my freshman year of college, and I had moved back home to give my dad some company while he was going through a tough time. We drove far enough away from the tornado beforehand due to ample warning, but we drove back in about 15 minutes after it had passed to find some pretty ugly destruction. There was an old apparently crazy lady dressed in party clothes and awful makeup just wandering around. My brother helped carry an injured person to an ambulance using a front door as a gurney. I saw somebody with a big object stuck in their head. Our house was mostly fine but four houses south and four houses east were leveled. Strange thing - I actually slept that night. It must have been a defense mechanism or something because I usually lose sleep over the tiniest little worry.

5. The highlight of my life so far was performing an unassisted triple play in t-ball when I was 6. I was playing third base, caught a fly ball, tagged 3rd base, and tagged out the runner who had somehow made it most of the way from 2nd to 3rd base. It was not as much skill on my part as it was just knowing the rules of the game (due to many hours of watching baseball on TV) and the girls on the opposing team not knowing them.

6. I've always wanted to star in a musical. I have no singing ability, dancing ability, or acting ability, which has made this dream difficult to fulfill. I took a speech class in high school, where I got to act a little bit and quickly realized that I sucked. I did learn that I had much more of a talent for writing the material to be performed.

7. I am a huge fan of Lost. I make fun of other people for watching sci-fi or fantasy TV shows and movies. Usually I can't stomach anything that isn't somehow grounded in reality. But I haven't missed an episode and even rewatched seasons 1-4 in the past few months. I pause on each frame of the commercials for Season 5 to see if there are any clues.

Tagging:

1. @tdavenport
2. @lindstifa
3. @karonalight
4. @ivegotzooms
5. @toldorknown
6. @contemptslots
7. @msteciuk

Family dynamics

2008-12-30T18:33:00.000-08:00

Em and I went to Wichita this weekend to have a late Christmas with my mom, her sister and family, another sister, and my grandparents. It was quite a nice gathering - Four generations of chicks all under one roof.

Every time we get together, I learn more about the DNA that goes through me. For example, my grandma, mother, and I are basically the same person in a lot of ways. We are part martyr - we will do it all just for the sake of being recognized as doing it all. We are part caregivers - not resting until all people and tasks are taken care of. We're compulsive to various degrees - everything needs to be done on a faster time schedule than others care about. We are also resentful as hell - we blame the people we are taking care of for not stepping in and taking some of our load.

For example, clearing dishes: We all rush to get the dishes cleared and cleaned, because we can't stand anyone doing more work than us. But we also get pissed (secretly of course) at the lazy people who are watching TV rather than helping.

I spend so much time trying to out-do others, that there is really nowhere else to be but lazier than me on that distribution curve. I judge them for being lazier than me because I perceive them as doing less than their fair share. But I'd rather be doing more than my fair share than being perceived as lazy by anyone else.

I think the trend is positive - my mom took steps to correct some of the sources of her negative feelings and I think is a happier person than my grandma is. I'm realizing all of this stuff relatively early in my marriage (while there is still time to fashion the dynamic we'll have as husband and wife so that it remains something that is mutually beneficial for us) and early in my daughter's life so that I don't pass along behaviors that I don't want to pass along.

I might even try some therapy. Those who have done it highly recommend it. And it might just help the late nights spent worrying about meaningless crap, and also this little nervous twitchy thing I do with my fingers.

Unforgiving

2008-12-26T19:10:00.000-08:00

I am so hard on myself.

I've always been that way.

When I was 8, I was selling candy bars for my school fundraiser. $1 a bar. I got several caught in the spokes of my bike and they were mangled and unsellable. I was pretty upset, and not entirely because I had to spend $5 of my own money to buy the candy bars myself.

When I failed my driving test when I was 16, I replayed the whole drive in my mind for weeks (and even to this day, occasionally).

When I did worse than I thought I should have done on the SAT, I flew off the handle (even though I was sick as a dog and kicked ass the next time I took it).

My second year in Tulsa, I backed into another car in the library parking lot. I was concentrating on not hitting a group of kids, and totally missed a car sitting right there. I just put a small dent in their car and nobody was hurt. But I thought of nothing else for several days after this happened.

Emerson's due date was Feb 27, and we were shooting for a Leap Day birth. I started having very constant pains the night of the 26th. Turns out I was just dehydrated and the contractions slowed down at the hospital. But I couldn't keep any liquids down so they admitted me and eventually induced stronger contractions. If only I had had more water to drink that day, I may not have missed my goal of Feb 29. Wow, right?

This week, I missed a requirement while writing a test plan and my boss caught it before I did. I didn't let it go until something else came along to worry about.

Today, I put my cell phone through the washing machine and I feel like a total failure. RIDICULOUS, I know. This in the first time in, what, 10 years that this has happened? And it's just stuff. And I did it because I was preoccupied with reading the rental car manual making sure Em would be safe in the car tomorrow. And I was going to stop using the phone next month anyway when the plan expires and get a newer phone with a cheaper contract.

Why have I never been able to let things go when I screw up? I am not as hard on other people. As long as they admit their wrongs and do their best to correct them, I'm good. But I am a total bitch to myself. I'm not successful professionally and academically because I am motivated and intelligent. It's because I'm so scared of failing. Or rather the rigor I will put myself through when I fail.

Lots to figure out before Em's old enough to more fully understand what is going on. Or else I'll be like the mom from American Beauty. Of all the things I worry about failing at, passing all of this along to Em is the worst.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-21T18:19:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has now been a year since Rod and I were wrapping Christmas presents, saying that next year we would be wrapping gifts to and from Emerson. This year has gone by so fast - it's hard to believe that Em is almost 10 months old. What's scary is that I'm 10 months older too and it went by in the blink of an eye.

I am in a relaxed mood right now, but usually I get sent into a bit of a tizzy around Christmas and holidays in general. I have kind of a script in my head of how I want things to go based on both tradition and my concept of equality, and when the script is violated I get disturbed. I'm trying to figure out the sources of my anger in years past so that I can do better in avoiding a meltdown this year. I want the people in my house, me included, to feel happy and loved.

I think a lot of my anger has to do with my husband taking off several days at the end of the year when his sons come over for half of their Christmas break. Right there, he's in somewhat of an "I'm relaxed and on vacation" mode. He gets to sleep late and watch TV all day and just hang out with the kids (my perception of course). I have never taken off more than one extra day around Christmas and New Year's, so I get to wake up early and attempt to go to bed early when everyone else around me is partying, or so it feels like. As a group, they're not the cleanest bunch either, so by the end of the week I feel like I need to take a high pressure hose to the entire house. Or yell at Rod to do it instead of asking nicely like a sane person.

This year, if I start to feel my temperature start to elevate I'll just get out of the house for a few extra hours. It is straight up avoiding the situation, I know, but I'm sure everyone will notice my absence less than if I started yelling or crying. When I'm gone I always end up missing them anyway, and I tend to be more forgiving of the kitchen full of dishes.

I do want to see things better from my family's perspective too. I basically entered their lives when they already had their own thing going on. How would I feel if I was comfortable doing things a certain way for so many years, and this woman comes and marries my dad and suddenly everything has to change?

This is an attempt to get all of this off of my chest so that it's less likely to burden me the rest of the week and next week. By identifying my triggers and clearly labeling them as such for me and my family as well, I hope to be more like the person I want to be.

Planning for an unfortunate future

2008-12-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

This is going to be morbid...I guess my fog hasn't really lifted all week. I've been thinking of things that I want for Emerson in case I'm not around to see her grow up. These are in no particular order, and I'll probably have more to add to this later .

1. Continue going to All Souls or other Unitarian church if possible. This is the origin of your name, and of you as a person. This is where your dad and I met and where we were married. I know it's easy to sleep late on Sunday, but I'd like for you to be there as much as possible at least until you are old enough to decide for yourself that you don't want to go there anymore.

2. Have a Christmas tree every year and know that I really enjoyed looking at a lit Christmas tree in a dark room.

3. Try playing a sport

4. Try playing a musical instrument

5. Learn how to be thrifty. Know that for the price of a soda at a restaurant you could buy a lot more soda at the grocery store. Learn how to save money so that you don't have to borrow very much. Know that borrowing money costs you a lot more than if you just paid for it up front.

6. Learn to plan ahead. It's best to not wait until the last minute to do things like your homework and taxes.

7. Clean up after yourself, and don't think that it's your job to clean up after anyone else.

8. Be choosy when selecting a partner. Pick someone with whom you can be yourself. Pick someone who makes you laugh and think. Be smart when it comes to having sex - Know that there are consequences to any behavior and it's probably best to keep it in your pants as long as possible, but don't let other people scare you about sex so much that you don't take the time to learn how to protect yourself.

9. Don't let math, science, engineering, and computers scare you.

10. I will always support you in your dreams, no matter how crazy. I'll be there cheering you on no matter how things go.

Important things

2008-12-15T18:36:00.000-08:00

I've been in a rather sad mood today. The weather has been icy and cold. My car was in the shop and I'll have to take it back in next week to get it fixed once they isolate a leak with some dye they put in today. I came home to find my dog Cricket with her leg tied up around her leash about 100 times. She couldn't get back to her little house so she was in the cold wind all day. We had to tie her up because the electric meter is getting read sometime this week and we were scolded to have her tied up when that is scheduled. We can't leave her inside because her bowels and bladder are too weak to last all day. But we are going to leave her inside tomorrow - screw the potential pile of crap. Watched a PBS show on chimps which had some good parts, but quite a bit about how the chimps were living for many years in horribly tight quarters. One was eating an ice cream cone very gingerly, like a polite person would do, not stuffing it in his mouth whole like you would expect an animal to do. After the show was over, there was a slide that said that that chimp had died 2 weeks after filming the show. Bummer.

Some of my sadness was finding out that someone with the name Amanda S. Knowlton was killed by a hit and run driver last week in Buffalo, NY, leaving 2 small kids. One was nine months old, just like Emerson. I found out about it from people finding my blog by searching for the string "Who will take care of Amanda Knowlton's kids?" which was a bit jarring. I thought it would take me to an ad for life insurance or something when I searched for the same thing. Nope. Sad story. Of course it put me in an "I'm going to die someday. I don't want to die. I like my life too much. But I'm probably going to die soon anyway" kind of mood the rest of the day.

I do like my life. My family is wonderful and I enjoy how I spend my time. I like how my house has laughter and crying and barking and Christmas lights.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

A lot to be thankful for this year. Emerson's first Thanksgiving & 9 months old today. Grateful that my dad made it through his heart problems earlier this year so that he could be around for it. Grateful that my brother now has a job where is able to be off on Thanksgiving so that he could make the trip to Tulsa too. Grateful that my stepsons were with us this year. Grateful for my husband/best friend.

All was great except for about 6 hours when I turned into turbobitch. I keep scaling Thanksgiving back so that it should in theory be easier and easier every year. I still couldn't get through it without having a bad attitude.

Thanksgiving at my grandma's was great when I was a kid. No one ever seemed to be angry or pissed off. That was because everyone knew their roles. The women cooked and cleaned and the men entertained the young kids, watched football, but mostly lounged. No one expected the men to do anything, so there was no reason for the women to be resentful of it.

That's my problem. I expect men to do things now. I was angry when there were 4 men over 18 in my house and no one said "what can I do?". I got some help cleaning up only after I was noticibly pissed off.

But if I expect men to change their roles, why can't I let go of my "womanly" role of wanting a story book Thanksgiving? Of thinking that it's not really Thanksgiving without a turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and rolls?

I love my family and don't want to be angry again. Notes for the future:

1. Make expectations clear: Before a holiday meal from now on, talk with all attendees and assign roles so that I'm not doing it all. If nobody else agrees to help beforehand, we won't have a dinner at all. If I crave turkey myself, I'll go to the meal at Hope Unitarian.

2. Lower expectations: I was super calm after the meal was over. I was a completely different person. I love turkey but no meal is worth getting angry over. If it helps family cohesiveness, we'll eat cold pizza for Thanksgiving next year.

3. Better timing: Part of my stress was that Emerson started fussing for food when I had two pots boiling over and Rod was out. Don't attempt anything unless I have a backup for child care.

4. Better preparation: If I had started addressing the need to clean certain areas of the house before this morning, I wouldn't have let a week's worth of anger build up. It wouldn't have eliminated the anger about the meal but I probably would have been more forgiving if I hadn't already had a bad morning.

5. Embrace the bitchiness: Not all anger is bad. It was understandable to be irritated when no one felt compelled to help me without being prodded. Isn't it just common decency to offer to help the host? Or is that something that little girls learn but no boys were ever taught? Feel the anger, know why I am angry, and make sure the situation improves next time or find ways to avoid the triggers next time. It is not acceptable, however, to let the anger ruin my day and everyone else's.

I'm really not obsessed about this - I just wanted to write while it was all still fresh. I *did* have a great Thanksgiving and am more thankful every day for my family, health, job, and friends.

Fears

2008-11-16T18:20:00.000-08:00

It is approaching the time of year for holiday travel. Both of my parents live a few hours away, and both will no doubt like to see Emerson around Christmas. I especially want her to make it up to Wichita to meet her great-grandparents, who are 86 and 89.

I have been fine driving Emerson around town. And I have been mostly fine driving long distances by myself. I had a job once where I drove all over the state and region. I made it through by avoiding high-traffic times and planning routes that put me on side-streets whenever feasible. I made it work because I had to. But the thought of driving with Emerson in the car at a high speed is a bit crippling right now.

In my family of origin, driving was always something to be scared of. My father always got a look of fear in his eyes every time he merged onto the highway, and often talked about all of the big dangerous trucks that were out there, just ready to kill us all if we weren't vigilant. And I don't recall my mother ever driving on the highway until I was in high school and she and my father were driving our two cars from Arizona to Oklahoma. I remember my mom being terrified, and my dad being terrified for her. I fully expected a horrible fiery crash, but we made it back unscathed.

I can't entirely blame my parents for this fear. My brother drives just fine. Rush hour. Dallas traffic. No problem.

I am afraid of something bad happening to my baby. An acquaintance of mine lost her young son in a car crash, and our minister lost her young daughter to a freak illness. When I see them at church, they remind me of how quickly it can all be lost. So it makes me want to huddle in my house and never take her anywhere. It makes me want to call an ambulance for any sniffle, just so I can be sure she's in the right hands if she stops breathing.

These are all things I feel driven to do, but I am not going to do them. I don't want to fuel any sort of neuroses in Emerson, or at least prevent that as much as possible. I want her to grow up seeing me as reasonable and confident. I want to *be* reasonable and confident. Having a fun life that is at all worth living means taking some risks. So while I might always have the underlying fear that something bad will happen, I will just have to swallow that up and put on a strong face for her. For Christmas and in general, I want to give my daughter the gift of not letting fear control her.

A Better Place

2008-11-06T17:30:00.000-08:00

Quoting nictate from Twitter: "To borrow a phrase from Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets": Obama makes me want to be a better man. Well, woman. Person. Oh, you get it."

I haven't written it down, but that AGAIG quote has come to mind lately, as so many people have felt called to service by Barack Obama. There are people who inspire me just to be "better". My Youth and Government kids. My husband. My stepsons. My daughter. A few teachers. My friends who volunteer for campaigns and charitable organizations to the point where they have no free time. They make we want to learn more. Help more. Believe that change is possible and that I can help bring it about. Basically not be such a lazy fatass. I think about petty crap a lot. I obsess about the division of labor in my house. About what they fed the baby at daycare. I want to think about MORE than that.

I was thinking a few days ago that some of my favorite teachers growing up were then about the same age that I am now. How they have influenced me more than they know. And how I'm a lazy sum'bitch for mostly keeping to myself and associating with few people other than my immediate family. Occasionally, I feel like I do some good in the lives of my Youth and Government kids, but it is such a small percentage of the nurturing and attention that they need.

I like having lots of free time. I like sleeping late on Saturday and not doing a damn thing if I don't feel like it. But I feel like one of these days I'm going to regret not doing more. I'm not going to beat myself up too hard for a few years at least - I mean I have an 8 month old. I don't exactly spend a lot of time pampering myself. I hope to make service a part of Emerson's childhood. She and I can do things together, so I don't have to feel like I'm sacrificing my already limited time with her to give back to the community. I want it to be second nature to her - I don't want her to be like so many kids I see who always have their face in an ipod or cell phone or video game and don't seem to care at all about what is going on around them. I want her to have empathy and some knowledge of the three dimensional world. I want her to have a giving heart but also be able to protect herself.

She makes me want to help her become a better person than I am, and I think that will also help make me a better person in the process.

So far to go

2008-11-05T18:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was big. Adults crying out of pride, exhaustion, and hope. I, too, am happy about the selection of Obama as President. I think he is the symbol we need right now to restore hope to our country. He just "gets it". He values curiosity and appreciates technology. He understands that there is more to being a great nation than being the toughest bully on the playground.

We certainly have come a long way since the 1960's. The stories of so many African Americans who both lived through all the crap of those days and were able to see an African American be elected President are moving to me.

I wonder if we will see that much progress for gay people in my lifetime? I am saddened to see the passage of Prop 8 in California. Anti-gay marriage amendments passed in Florida and Arizona. A proposal banning adoptions for unmarried couples, aimed primarily at gays, passed in Arkansas. Sally Kern, known for her "homosexuality is a bigger threat than terrorism" comments earlier this year was re-elected to the Oklahoma State House.

All of this saddens me so much and erodes the happiness I feel about Obama's election. What is the path to equality?

I think it has to start with some kind of instigating event. We need some sort of equivalent of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus.

We also need a Martin Luther King-like figure. Someone who peacefully yet powerfully makes the case for equality.

We need to figure out a way to make our case known, more than just the annual parade. But how? How do we make being gay not seem wrong to the people who cite the Bible? How can gay people demonstrate and not get made fun of? How can we overcome the "eww" feeling that many people express when they think of two guys kissing eachother? How do we demonstrate that kids can thrive living with parents of the same gender? How can we make straight, "moral" couples feel less threatened if a same-sex couple is given the right to marry? I feel pulled strongly to joining with others and developing some answers to these questions.

I didn't cry for Obama, but I will bawl like a baby if we elect an openly gay President in my lifetime.

So much for light bedtime reading

2008-11-02T18:34:00.000-08:00

I suppose I repeat myself quite a bit on this blog, especially when it comes to equality between the genders when it comes to housework and the like. It is something I think about a lot, as I want to avoid anything similar to the situation I grew up in, where the share of household responsibilities was nowhere near being equal, even when my mother was working full time. I think communication is very important here - when one member of the partnership feels like things aren't equal, then it should be mentioned as soon as possible before resentment starts to build.

I have been following the blog from the Equally Shared Parenting website for several months. While I question how this couple actually behaves in the real world and not in their online personas, there are always some good points made.

I also have been reading How to Avoid the Mommy Trap. I've found that it isn't the book I need to be reading right before bed, as it has never failed to raise my blood pressure when I read about the situations that these women get themselves into and fail to put on the brakes as they get further and further into these bad situations. So far it has raised several good questions that should be discussed by any couple before they get married, and definitely before having children.

A theme in this book has to do with BATNA, or the Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. It is as important theme in Economics as well, and I consider it to be a part of Game Theory. Basically, it is your Plan B, what you will do if your situation doesn't work out the way you want it to ideally. I also think of it as your willingness to walk away from the current situation. If there is a neighborhood of similar houses selling for $200K and the seller of the house you want won't come down from $225K, then you have a pretty good BATNA - just walk away and find a better deal at the house down the street, or decide that you don't really need another house right now.

When women get married and have kids and immediately give up their careers, their BATNA will likely be worse. If the marriage ends for whatever reason, her own financial position will be worse because the husband isn't providing income for her anymore. She won't be able to find a great job right away because she has been out of the workforce and probably not spending much time keeping up her job skills and continuing her education in the field, plus she would have to pay for childcare and have enough flexibility to take care of a sick child. Not a good situation, so she is less likely to leave the marriage, giving the husband more power. Power to do pretty much whatever he wants. Not a romantic way to put things, but marriage is an economic agreement as well as all of the wonderful things that marriage can be.

On the other hand, if a wife keeps up her own career, she wields more power in the relationship. She doesn' t have to put up with things like domestic abuse or affairs, or even being treated in any way as less than an equal. This doesn' t mean that she has to ever threaten to leave or even really consider it. I just imagine that the husband of a woman who can take care of herself would think twice before pulling any kind of behavior that would give her cause to walk away. Again, not very romantic, but I think that women need to think about these sorts of things.

Happy Birthday, Blog

2008-10-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

It was one year ago today I started this blog. I was prompted to do it because that morning we had The Ultrasound - when we found out we were having a girl. I immediately started seeing everything in this world through a newborn's eyes and hoped that I could be a strong female role model for her, and that her dad and I together could show her how a husband and wife could live together as true equals and partners.

My goals for her haven't changed. I want her to be happy and to have every possible opportunity. I want her to know that she doesn't have to fit into any certain mold, just because women are shown a certain way on TV and other ads. Just like I want her to know that women can do much more than cook and clean, I want her to know that there are many ways to be a strong woman and therefore no "right" way. And I think we're doing a good job so far. Here's a photo of her this morning.

From Emerson - Various

As you can see, she is sleeping in fire-engine pajamas in a crib with flowers on the sheets. Her peers at daycare wear lots of pink or blue only and I'm sure she hears a lot of seemingly good-natured anti-boy comments from the female daycare staff, so a lot of our work will be undone. But hopefully our words and actions, even the ones she hears and sees now, will be meaningful to her in the future as she chooses her friends, relationship partners, and educational goals.

High heels for babies?

2008-09-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

This has been all over the news this weekend, with the "Aww, that's so cute!" tone.

I guess if you're planning on giving your daughter these values, birth is just as good a time as any....

Honestly I haven't looked for baby shoes yet, but I am told that the selection is just as poor, with respect to pink and princesses. Suggestions for sensible first shoes are welcome comments.

Gender neutral clothing update

2008-09-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

I need to give some credit after complaining a few months ago that there weren't any gender neutral clothes for older newborns.

I found a package of 9-12 month bodysuits at Wal-Mart this morning that are oranges, greens, yellows, and whites. No military equipment or princess designs, so score.

Only two cons:
1. Not available anywhere on the web apparently so I can't link to it.
2. One of the bodysuits says "I love Mommy" but there's not one that says "I love Daddy".

Also got a pack of gray bodysuits at Old Navy. They are far less cheery than the rest of the clothes I see. One has a single snail on it, and another has some abstract trees mingling with snails. We call these bodysuits her "Sylvia Plath" clothes. Even more depressing: they dropped the price $5 since I bought them.

I don't want to sound too optimistic, but there is a bit of a market out there for people like us.

She's just a poop machine...

2008-08-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

Emerson has had explosive diarrhea for 2 weeks now and there is no end in sight.

Her daycare won't take her back until it clears up. The pediatrician is assuming a virus at this point.

Which means that either Rod or I will have to stay home with her. Probably until she starts kindergarten. Luckily for me, Rod has been generous with taking days off from work so I don't have to.

I worry that the doctor's office didn't test for some exotic infection and she is slowly wasting away on the inside. Which is stupid. Our doctor's office rocks.

I worry that one or both of us will stop being considered good employees. Which is stupid. We both totally rock at our jobs. When I do need to take off, I make sure that my bosses know that Rod takes off at least as much time for the baby as I do, so that they know that I have a 50/50 partnership at home regarding childcare and that I'm not taking off nearly as much time as I *could* be taking off if we followed traditional gender roles and let my career take the back seat every time the baby needs something.

I feel like my attention is being pulled in so many different directions right now. A month ago, I felt like I had *excess* time and was thinking about taking a college class this fall. Right now, I just feel overwhelmed. My dad had bypass surgery last month and I felt worthless for going back to Tulsa and working while he was confused and recovering in the hospital. I feel worthless for not taking better care of our now three dogs, who are all starving for attention at this point. I feel worthless for putting extra strain on my coworkers on the days I take off. I feel worthless for sitting at my desk at my largely sedentary job while Rod is taking care of Emerson. I feel worthless for not devoting more attention to my role as a Youth and Government advisor, while people who have a lot more going on in their lives than I do have been pulling my weight. I feel worthless for falling right asleep at night rather than reading something. I feel worthless because my house is such a mess that I can't stand being in the one place I'm supposed to be able to relax.

I feel bad for all the stuff I *haven't* done, but it's not like I've been lounging around doing nothing. I have just been doing a half-assed job on a million things. But that's all I can do right now. I haven't done anything just for myself in almost a month now. My cross stitch project has been untouched for weeks, which is a good measure of the "me" time I am able to get. I don't see that happening this weekend, but maybe soon.

Why am I just now finding out about this?

2008-08-07T06:19:00.001-07:00

Is it common knowledge that this is available?

MIT publishes course material for a good number of their courses. It is called MIT Open Courseware.

Lecture notes, assignments, tests, test answers....Wow!

I want to learn EVERYTHING about Computer Science, Economics, Chemistry, Physics, Poli Sci, and Psychology and relearn everything that I have forgotten. Then move on to History, Urban Studies and Planning, Gender Studies.....

This fits well with the idea I had yesterday of auditing some OSU-Tulsa courses. I enjoy learning and seeing the new material. But I'm such an OCD-rittled perfectionist that I feel like I have to spend all of my free time studying and doing homework. Seriously, I've never made even a B. That's probably why I burned out at 22 and didn't pursue a Masters or PhD.

With our new Netflix subscription, face time with Emerson, and my new friends at MIT, I doubt I will ever be bored again.

One year ago.....

2008-08-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

A year ago today I got to see my baby for the first time.

I liked this photo the best. You can see her arms and legs.

Seeing her and confirming she had a heartbeat was a nice reward for the weeks of agonizing morning sickness I had already experienced, and the several that had yet to come.

Where have all the gender neutral clothes gone?

2008-07-31T06:07:00.000-07:00

The first several months of Emerson's life, we had a good stock of gender neutral clothing. Plenty of yellows and greens, ducks and frogs.

But apparently at around 6 months, Gerber and Carter's decided for us that our little girl would need to be a princess, a war hero, or naked.

I guess they wouldn't even sell the yellows and greens in the younger sizes if there weren't still people waiting until the birth to know what the sex of the baby is.

Right now, she's has two sets of three pajamas. One set is blue - with a sports theme. One set is pink. It has a theme of princesses and fairy tales.

She is not to leave the house in the pink set. Or be photographed. It's not that I care whether people know she's a girl or not. It's just demeaning that the world thinks that a girl should strive to find Prince Charming and wear fine jewelry.

I want to find some clothes that have intelligent things on them. Like her ABC's, pi to several decimal places, and the Pythagorean theorem. But I'd probably have to pay extra for something like that.

Edit: I just found this site: Clever Cuties. It has some awesome stuff, but indeed it is much more expensive than the 3 pack of onesies from Target. I should probably throw a few bucks their way to encourage their presence in the market.

Let's get physical

2008-07-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about taking an introductory physics class at Tulsa Community College this fall over the Internet. I became more aware of my lack of knowledge on the subject while trying to understand in full detail how wind power works. I have taken a LOT of chemistry but somehow haven't taken a physical science class since the 8th grade.

I could do most of the reading and quizzes during lunch. An evening class is no good, as I already feel like I don't get enough time with Emerson.

I enjoyed taking the classes that I have taken from TCC and also OSU-Tulsa. At some point I'd like to take another stab at a Computer Science Masters Degree. But I don't want to miss things like softball games, dance recitals, choir concerts, Girl Scout meetings, and mud wrestling events (depending on Em's eventual interests).

Maybe I'm just feeling manic right now and this will sound like a horrible idea tomorrow. It WOULD be a good idea to get myself better prepared for questions of the "Why is the sky blue" ilk.

My daughter has a third name - it's way too f-ing long

2008-07-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

How is a kid supposed to learn their 16 character last name when the place she spends 9 hours a day keeps shortening it to the last 8?

Maybe I can stitch something with her FULL name on it and we can go over it every day with her when she gets to be a bit older. I tried to come up with a catchy tune to fit the spelling of her name to but I have failed miserably. Maybe that can be one of big brother Scott's summer projects?

I'll right things with her daycare when she starts to show any comprehension of letters and words. For now, I don't want to go all fisticuffs on the people I'm entrusting my mute child to.

What a year

2008-06-29T12:30:00.001-07:00

It was one year ago today I had the positive home pregnancy test. What a short year! And they're only going to get shorter, I am sure. The past four months have flown by. The weekdays have their own quick schedule - wake up at 4:15 so that I have time to feed Emerson a few times, watch some news, and get us both ready for our days, then drop her off at daycare, then stay at work for nine hours, and then come home to either Rod and Emerson or have a few minutes to get laundry together or do some general picking up of crap around the kitchen and living room before Rod gets home with Emerson.

We only have about 2 1/2 hours to do our actually living every day before it is time to get ready for bed. In this time, I need to feed Emerson once or twice and eat a quick dinner myself. I also want to play with Emerson and read to her. I want to watch news and maybe an episode of some TV show. I want to cross stitch. I want to read. I want to blog. I want to email friends. I want to download photos from my camera. I want to refresh my programming skills and learn some more stuff. But 2 1/2 hours a day is clearly not enough time to do everything.

Spending time with Emerson is my highest priority of course. I want her to grow up feeling loved, wanted, and knowing that I think that she can do anything. I want to model good behavior for her. I want her to see people eating healthy food, exercising, and enjoying nature. I want her to see that her dad is capable of cooking and cleaning and that her mom is capable of basic home and vehicle maintenance. I want her to see people being polite to wait staff at restaurants and those working the register at the grocery store. I want her to see people behaving responsibly with money. I want her to see people not judging other people who look and act differently than we do. I want her to value learning.

There are so many values that I want to transmit to her that there are just not enough hours in the day for it. But if I don't teach them to her, she'll learn more from people who AREN'T me. The world is full of stereotypes in magazine and TV ads plus just the general population who thinks that being a girl means owning everything in pink and being spoiled.

I'm going to do all that I can in the 2 1/2 hours a day I have. Beyond that, I'll just have to trust that my genetic relationship to her is strong enough to counter any negative influences that come up elsewhere.

Good article from "America's Worst Mom"

2008-06-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

Several good points made in this article - namely that the 24 hour news cycle has made us all too scared to let our kids out of our sight.

Why you shouldn't over-protect your kids

I'd like to think we'd let Emerson do something like this. I should probably stop watching TV right now.

Hillary....Hillary.....Hillary

2008-05-25T10:25:00.001-07:00

I don't like you. You are what is wrong with politics. You lie and call it "misspeaking". You claim that your "misspeaking" is due to being sleep-deprived and ignore that the President is likely the most sleep deprived person in the world. You say "I regret if you were offended" and call it an apology. You make fun of your opponent's strongest qualities. You attack those who disagree with you and call them sexist. You imply very racist things about your opponent and tell us we're the awful ones when we understand the subtext. You feign ignorance when it is convenient for you.

You have turned out to be quite a disappointment. A year ago, I was excited about the prospect of a female president. But I'm not going to pull for you just because you're a female. I would rather have somebody that I like, or at least feel like I can trust.

You have to watch this

2008-05-02T06:39:00.000-07:00

I couldn't turn away from this train wreck last night. It will be rebroadcast next Friday night.

I held Emerson as I watched this. I told her I loved her exactly as she is. Her skin is just the right color, her hair is beautiful without Aquanet, and her lack of teeth is OK with me. I hope she realizes from the start that there are more important things in life anyway.

Not so bad

2008-04-19T08:17:00.000-07:00

Well the first week at work wasn't so bad.

The first day, I was way too busy to be overly worried about what was going on at Emerson's day care. I was concerned, but not in my usual OCD way. My coworker that had been covering my stuff as well as his stuff for the past six weeks was called to jury duty. So my first day, I had to suddenly remember how to do my job, handle my stuff, and do his stuff. It ended up being okay. No customers lost their lives or anything.

She survived her first day, so I wasn't really worried the second day either.

The third day and after, it felt like we had all settled into a pretty good routine.

I'm feeling pretty balanced. My brain feels more fully engaged now that I'm thinking more than just about poopy diapers. I'm getting some good cuddle time with Emerson in the evening, during the night, and in the morning. The laundry's not piling up - yet. I'm even attending a board meeting for my volunteer Youth and Gov't organization over speaker phone right now.

It's a nice sunny day. I'm gonna take the kid for a walk in a bit and think about how much I'm enjoying life at the moment.

A letter to baby before returning to work

2008-04-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby,

The last six weeks and two days being with you all day have been amazing. I've learned a little about you, and I think you're beautiful. You've been my little buddy. I enjoy looking at your face in the middle of the night, even if it means not getting much sleep. I've enjoyed watching Dr. Phil, ER, and CNN with you all day.

But on Monday things are going to change a little bit. Mommy's going back to work, and you're going to be in daycare. The ladies there seem really nice, and you'll be in good hands.

I think working will be a good thing for all of us. I want you to see me doing challenging work so that you know that you can do it too someday. As I'm sure you know, at this point there's not much we can do at the house together except watch TV and listen to me talk to you and practice lifting your head up on your pillow. I know you're already bored being here. You get cranky when you sit in one place too long and you get mesmerized when we go somewhere new. There will be enough kids at the day care that you'll always have something exciting going on. And mommy won't be so boring anymore either. She'll share tales of bugs she found in the software and customers she helped. But she'll be thinking of you all day and looking at your picture every time she looks at her Desktop.

I hear that you're waking up now so I'll end this letter. I can't wait to see you grow up into that awesome young woman that I know that you will be. But I also enjoy you just as you are right now.

Love,

Mommy

Almost six weeks

2008-04-08T14:21:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling much better than I was six weeks ago this evening. I can't believe it has been six weeks since I gave birth. Suddenly, it is April. Almost mid-April. Staying at home, I feel like I have missed six weeks of the world. When I return to work Monday, I suspect I'll feel like one of those coma patients who was in a car accident on prom night and wakes up in their 30s.

Today has been strange. I'm feeling a weird sense that things are ending, even though I know that is not true. I compare it to preparing for a party or vacation that I was really looking forward to, having a great time, and then having a feeling of disappointment when it was over. But other than my maternity leave ending, nothing is over. But things are transitioning in a way that is sad, but I'm not sure why. I like having a job that makes me think and I like the people I work with. I feel like my brain is deteriorating (i.e. I have actually been watching Saved by the Bell and Full House - a regressive behavior no doubt to make myself feel safe when I'm actually scared out of my mind of taking care of a baby). So I think returning to work will be a good thing. It will be a nice break to not have to feed and entertain the baby all day. But still I'm sad about it in a weird way.

I had my six week postpartum checkup today, which also placed some finality to the pregnancy and child birth process. I'm back on the same routine as before planning for the baby - back on regular medications and having checkups once a year. I don't understand why I'm sad about this -- maybe a weird evolutionary thing. I have my hands full with one kid, I had awful morning sickness, and day care is so expensive, so why am I sad about moving ahead with the non-pregnant routine?

I'll be OK. I can handle going back to work. I will be the best tech support person and software tester that there ever was. I will spend quality time in the evenings with my daughter. I'll keep my relationship with my husband strong. I'll build on my friendships, both old and new. By this fall, I'll have things under control enough to volunteer for Youth and Government again. That all sounds like a lot of work though.

It's official...

2008-03-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

I'm my 14th work day of maternity leave.
My brain is Jello.
My daughter is doing great. She wants to take everything in when she's awake but she also sleeps like a log. She slept for six hours straight last night because I accidentally shut off the alarm I use to wake myself up to feed her after four hours.
I feel much different as a person. I can't see a baby on TV without getting weepy. It bothers me much more than it used to to hear about bad things happening to children. I'm feeling much more "maternal" than I thought I would. I'm looking forward to all of the cool things we'll get to do with her and teach her when she's older. When I hear a good song, I think about sharing it with her later on. On the other hand, I get sad to think that she's only going to be 19 days old ONCE and I want to her to stay small enough for me to hold in one hand forever.
I'm feeling much less sharp about non-baby related topics than I did before. I watch a lot of news, but I can sit in front of the TV for minutes and realize my mind has been wandering and I have no idea even what the topic is that they have been talking about. I have to read everything over several times because I now type the wrong words.
It's worth it - and my mind will come back once I go back to work and start getting more sleep.

Ten days old.....

2008-03-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

Our daughter arrived ten days ago. The denial is over - my life is officially different.

I'm a little freaked out right now. I'm no doubt still experiencing drastic hormonal changes, which is exacerbated by lack of sleep and the reality that I'm now responsible for a little human.

She's great. She's a very easygoing baby. When she's not sleeping, her eyes are wide open and taking it all in. We're learning a lot from each other.

I went into labor last Tuesday - I walked over to Walgreens during lunch and was feeling horrible. I felt pains off and on all afternoon and shortly after work they were coming rather frequently. We timed the contractions while watching Lost on the Tivo and then watched the Obama/Clinton debates. I felt like I was in pain pretty much the whole time, which made the contractions difficult to time but they were close together. By 10p.m. I knew I probably wasn't going to go to sleep. You're supposed to wait until you cannot walk or talk through the contractions to go to the hospital - but given the fact that it felt like the contractions were pretty much continuous, we went to the hospital anyway.

After some initial tests at the hospital triage (the room you go to before they admit you to Labor & Delivery), they told me I was dehydrated but only dilated to around 3, which was at most a centimeter more than I was at my doctor appointment twelve hours earlier. I did the math and determined that I could be in labor for 3 and a half more days at this rate. Quite discouraging, as I had already been in a good amount of pain. They said that to admit me, the contractions would need to be regular and that I had to show progress with dilation. I had one hour to prove to them that I was ready to have a baby.

Rather than give me an IV at that point, they gave me a big cup of water and a big cup of apple juice for the dehydration. I then proceeded to throw all of the liquid up onto my hospital gown. Classy. After an hour in triage, the nurses told me I had progressed to 4cm, although I suspect they fudged this number so I could be admitted.

We went up to Labor & Delivery at around midnight. The nurse offered some stadol, and to my surprise I quickly accepted it. I was quite tired of hurting, and quite tired, period, as I had been awake since 4:45 Tuesday morning. I had naively planned to do this without drugs but I rationalized it by telling myself that I had had a long stressful day at work, and I deserved to relax a little bit. I accepted the epidural as well, feeling every bit the failure that my Lamaze teacher implied that I should feel. I was promptly punished for doing this, as the anesthesiologist took roughly an hour to administer the epidural, a procedure which should only take a few minutes. She kept informing me that she was only hitting bone in my back and berated me for not mimicking exactly how she needed me to arch my back, even though I had a huge solid stomach that somehow I needed to bend. She got something to work and I started not feeling anything, and life was good. My contractions weren't doing the job of dilating, so they started me on some Pitocin to induce some stronger contractions.

At around 6a.m., which was a few hours after administering the epidural, I started feeling some pain and then a LOT of pain. At first I tried to diplomatically explain to the nurse that I was pretty sure my epidural was botched, but she seemed dismissive and told me that I shouldn't expect to not feel anything. Every so often, I would let the nurse know that the pain was horrible. But nothing really got their attention until I started crying like a two year old (half from the pain, half because I wanted them to take notice and do something). A much better anesthesiologist came to my rescue at around 8 or so and redid the epidural.

Smooth sailing from there - she was born right before noon.

The next several days in the hospital were dreamlike. I didn't sleep any Tuesday night. The baby stayed in our room for the rest of the hospital stay, so I was up for feedings and diaper changes every few hours and was invaded by doctors, nurses, lactation consultants, social workers (reminding me not to shake the baby), and people bringing me meals so that I couldn't really sleep even while the baby slept. I got about 2 hours of sleep Wednesday night and about ten minutes of sleep Thursday night. By Friday night when we were discharged, I pretty much felt like I was outside my body. I was bawling for no good reason other than exhaustion and having to take care of a baby without doctors or nurses around while being so exhausted.

We survived the first night, then another night, and another. I finally was able to get some sleep without fearing that she was going to stop breathing while I was asleep.

We've been home over a week now and I'm feeling a little more optimistic that I can do this. I'm not sure at all how I'm going to handle it all when I go back to work in April but I figure I'll manage that somehow.

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

For the next few hours, this Suze Orman book is available as a free pdf.

Women & Money

Suze's a feisty broad, and she has a lot of words of wisdom regarding money, power, and relationships.

Thanks to Mystique Free for the link.

One fortnight until due date.....

2008-02-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

Which means that I could be in labor in fifteen minutes or as long as four weeks from now. Even four weeks doesn't sound like enough time. I'm starting to feel the doubt of whether I'm really going to be able to do this, although there are many people with less common sense than I have who have raised reasonably healthy, happy, and well-functioning kids.

Work has been strange lately. I have been superwoman the past several months, determined to prove that pregnant women aren't useless professionally. Now, I'm starting to have to copy colleagues on all of my correspondence just in case they have to take over something I'm working on at a moment's notice. I can't be relied upon to do anything for the next two weeks, and I feel very uncomfortable in that situation. I know men have to deal with this uncertainty too when their partners are about to give birth, but for some reason I feel like it reflects more poorly on me. I might be projecting a bit, although there has to be SOME reason for the pay gap between men and women (not that I think there is a pay gap at my job - but it has been shown routinely in the economy in general). I'm pretty sure that women having to walk around pregnant in front of everybody explains quite a bit of that variance.

My husband proposed a few years ago that there won't be true gender equality until we figure out external gestation. I tend to agree. No matter how strong and useful I want to be, some evolutionary whisper is telling me not to lift the spare tire out of the trunk and not to stand on top of a ladder to change the HVAC filters. And it's hard to think of myself as equal to anyone if I have to rely on them for help, even temporarily.

What's an iron, anyway?

2008-02-11T07:55:00.000-08:00

I've been unable to find the original source of this essay. I've seen it forwarded in email and referred to in various posts.

Goodbye To All That (#2) by Robin Morgan

I don't know if it is genuine - it is too new to appear on Snopes. Let's just assume it was actually written by this person and that all statements in it are factual.

The gist of it is that female candidates face tougher rhetoric than black male candidates. One statement that made me think for a few days (and it works as a hypothetical situation too, even if the story is untrue) is that a person at a Hillary Clinton event yelled "Iron my shirt!" and it was generally considered amusing. The essay proposes that if someone yelled "Shine my shoes!" at a Barack Obama event, there would be nothing but outrage.

I thought about why this was true. I can't be objective about this because I am a white chick, and I am constantly deprecating myself and my gender for ironic comedic effect. Such as by calling myself a "chick". I think having a sense of humor about being thought of as weak adds to my strength. So if I were on stage running for president and someone told me to iron their shirt, my response would probably be to laugh, especially since I can count on one hand the number of times I have used an iron in my life.

As a white person, I *would* be more outraged to hear someone yell "Shine my shoes" to a black person. I can't speak from the perspective of how it would feel to hear "Shine my shoes!" if I were a black person. Perhaps having the perspective of one but not the other is affecting my point of view on this discussion.

In the US at least, I think it is fair to say that women have had it easier than blacks historically. White women, though thought of as property by many men, have never been bought and sold to work in the fields and make plantation owners rich. White women have been able to share water fountains and lunch counters with men. White women have never had to be escorted by the national guard just to get to school.

I know women in the past have had it harder than we have it today. But being trapped doing the cooking, cleaning, and child raising in my opinion pales in comparison to what black people have had to go through. So that's why I tend to be more outraged with racial slurs than anti-female rhetoric.

Credit card protest

2008-02-02T15:41:00.000-08:00

Today I began filling out a web application for a credit card through CitiCards with a good cash-back rewards program. 5% cash back on select purchases such as supermarkets, gas stations, and drug stores, 2% cash back on these same purchases thereafter, and 1% cash back on all other purchases.

This sounded like a good deal to me until I put my last name in the Last Name field (including the hyphen). Red letters bitched at me that "special characters such as & and ()" are not allowed.

This offends me on two levels. First as a feminist, because it's another example of just how few people comprehend the idea of a hyphenated name. People assume that I want to use only the last part of it, people have no idea how to alphabetize it (you use the first character of the first last name), and people from the bank to the voting booth have to cleverly comment on its length.

Second it offends me as someone who occasionally does some programming. I have to assume that the person who wrote the code for accepting input from this field was either too clueless to think that any non-letter character in a last name could be valid input, or too lazy to figure out how to store the hyphenated name in the database. Either way, I'm not impressed.

I did not complete this credit card application. It may be up to $300 lost in cash back rewards per year, but I have to protest somehow. I'll find some other company with cash back rewards to reap the benefits of my credit card transaction fees.

First non-critical post: Baby Shower at Work

2008-01-26T08:23:00.000-08:00

This week at work we had a joint baby shower/bridal shower, as a coworker of mine is getting married in February. It was great. We got a lot of useful stuff, and my coworkers were very thoughtful and generous. People universally respected my lack of preference for pink things. The cake and punch were delicious. I felt the need to take a photo with this gift and its maker, Dianne.

One way to say: "Your baby's name is stupid"

2008-01-08T11:01:00.000-08:00

When I asked another expectant mother what her baby boy's name was going to be, she replied with one of those new agey, hippie names. Rather than say I liked it, I said "Ahhh, is that a family name?" I thought I was being clever, but apparently this is a known polite way respond to a bad name.

We have our own new agey, hippie name picked out. Twice today alone, I have heard "Ahhh, is that a family name?"

Other responses that convey the same thought:

"My friends have a dog named that" and "My 15 year old son has a (guy) friend named that"

Of course I've also heard a good number of positive comments, so maybe she won't be eating lunch alone throughout junior high. For that reason, at least.

What a crappy list of role models

2007-12-26T07:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what I really expected from the Lifestyle section of MSN's page.

Most Influential Women of 2007

It starts out promising:

1. Hillary Rodham Clinton
2. Benazir Bhutto

The last nine are basically a list of models, fashion designers, singers, and a chick from the View.

Tina Fey is #9. I'm not going to say anything bad about Tina, probably because I kind of have a girl-crush on her. But chances are Nancy Pelosi or Condoleezza Rice have had slightly more influence in the world during 2007.

The men's list is far less fluffy. There is one fashion designer on there, plus Michael Vick. But the list also includes Hugo Chavez, Al Gore, Ron Paul, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama.

So girls, remember that you either have to be pretty, talk about pretty people, or provide a service for pretty people to be influential. Just leave the important government decisions for the boys to make. Even if you do have a lot of power in the political or business world, no one will really notice (unless of course, you have a decent rack).

Date Rape Song redux

2007-12-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

Apparently I'm not the first one to think that "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is about a date rape.

Merry Date Rape, Once Again

This author's post was much better than mine, and the last line made me laugh out loud for about five minutes at work, which is a rare thing.

Third rail of parenting issues

2007-12-21T06:46:00.000-08:00

Quite the cat fight emerges in the comments of this post:
The Real Value of Stay at Home Parenting

The flaws and merits of the original post are adequately pointed out in the comments. To me, his point was basically that if this is a choice that a couple makes, then it might not be as financially unfeasible as one may originally think. However, he seems to only look at the savings of a stay-at-home-parent and not any of the corresponding costs (i.e. not contributing to retirement savings, the gap in the resume that can harm future earnings, etc). And many of the items that he is counting as "saving" (such as not going out to lunch with coworkers or stopping for coffee every day) can already be eliminated as expenses without the worker quitting his/her job. I think his argument was rational, although incomplete.

In the comments we see that this is much more than an economic issue to most people. Stay-at-home-parents accuse working parents of letting someone else raise their kids, being detached, and creating a bunch of "cold hearted American citizens". Working parents accuse stay-at-home-parents of raising kids who don't know how to interact with others and basically being lazy.

I'm probably a little more judgmental than I should be regarding this topic. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with having a parent stay at home with kids. I had a parent at home full time until I started school, and I turned out fine. What turns me off is that it is usually the woman who a) wants to stay home and b)has a lower salary so that it makes more sense for her to not work and c) is continually asked by coworkers whether she plans on returning to work after having children. If things were a little more equal between the sexes I would be much more on board with stay-at-home-parenting.

Slip a sable under the tree....

2007-12-18T16:19:00.000-08:00

I hate commercials this time of year. Apparently women are supposed to want shiny, expensive things for Christmas. And they are supposed to feel unloved if they instead receive something with a modicum of utility. The jewelry stores (namely Bruce G. Weber in Utica Square) have been especially insistent this year.

Basically quoting the hot young perky blond in the commercial "I'm so lucky. He gives me jewelry from Bruce G. Weber. I love that he picks it out for me."

Another one, with the same spokeswoman, this one is nominally targeting men, "If she sees a Bruce G. Weber box under the tree, she's going to be so excited." Subtext: She's going to do whatever you want for hours. You know, in the bedroom.

Oh yeah, we're supposed to want cars too. To do it right, it has to be a Lexus with a big bow waiting for us in the driveway on Christmas morning.

I don't know of anyone who has actually received a car for Christmas, but I know I would pretty much react as follows: What do you mean you spent half the value of a modest house on something that has already depreciated to the quarter of the value of a modest house? And quadrupled our insurance premiums? And added a significant chunk of debt to our names and potentially hurt our collective credit? Without consulting me?

The best gift I have received is a collection of tools from Restoration Hardware the first Christmas I had with my now husband. They still come in handy, and are probably worth as much as a Lexus would be worth five years later.

Most likely the last thing I'll say about Lamaze class

2007-12-11T12:09:00.000-08:00

For four classes, we've been presented with information to help make good choices pertaining to the safety of mother and baby before, during, and after childbirth.

The fifth class is scheduled for today. My city has been hit with a crippling ice storm. From what I see, the roads are not slick, but there are so many fallen trees and power lines in the road that driving is pretty darn dangerous. Especially at night because there are no street lights to help avoid said debris due to the power outages. But is the hospital rescheduling the class so that we can enjoy a safe and warm evening at home? Hell no - they are going forward as planned. They are inviting pregnant couples to take their chances on the roads. Nice risk assessment, Hillcrest. I'll light up a Camel and sip a cocktail on the way there.

Why would men ever think that "no" doesn't really mean "no"?

2007-12-03T15:12:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or is the song "Baby, it's Cold Outside" pretty much about a date rape?

I say if you want to stay, stay and if you want to go, go. But don't be coy about it, and certainly don't be drinking anything that he pours into your glass.

Sorry, baby girl, we don't plan on spoiling you

2007-11-30T09:32:00.000-08:00

Despite what the whole world seems to be forecasting for our daughter, we do not intend to spoil her. I'm sure it's just a cutesy small-talk thing that you're supposed to say when you find out that someone is having a girl, but it's really beginning to irritate me.

If you give your daughter any extra love, attention, or material goods than you would your son, you are simply preparing her for a life of being taken care of. I'd like my daughter to rely on her brains to get ahead in life - not batting her eyelashes or acting coy to make everyone say "Awww!" and give her a new pair of shoes as a reward.

Even if spoiling a child wouldn't be harmful for the family as a whole (and for the child in particular), why are girls more worthy of this treatment than boys? Because boys are supposed to be responsible and take care of themselves and girls need to rely on others? Because you can dress up your little girl like she is property rather than a human being? Because you're supposed to be teaching your boys how to fix cars and appliances rather than fawning over them?

We have so far to go and I see no signs of things improving.

Cycle of holiday stress

2007-11-23T11:52:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was a perfectly lovely day at my house. I am relieved that the morning sickness has been largely absent for several weeks now and I was able to strap on the feedbag yesterday. For a lot of women, holidays seem to be more of a source of stress than of joy. I want to do what I can to make sure that my daughter doesn't feel compelled to fall into this trap that even I have found myself in during recent years. Notes to self for holidays in the future:

*Be sure to spend more time in front of the TV (or otherwise relaxing) than you do in the kitchen. Just because Grandma woke up at 4 in the morning on Thanksgiving to put the turkey in the oven and make the mincemeat and pumpkin pies from scratch doesn't mean that you have to. With the help of Reynolds turkey roasting bags, Stove Top Stuffing, Potato Buds, brown and serve rolls, and Mrs. Smith's apple and pumpkin pies, I am happy to say that I have my Thanksgiving kitchen time down to less than an hour or so, including the time to rinse the turkey and get it in the oven.

*Don't make a big deal about cleaning the house for guests. This is also a habit I had picked up from visiting extended family -- everyone's house was always so spotless, like a model home. Throw some blue stuff in all the toilets, run a vacuum quickly over the floor, make sure all of your sensitive financial documents are hidden, and call it a day.

*Don't send Christmas cards to everyone you have ever met. I get Christmas cards from all corners of the country and sometimes feel compelled to have all of these people on my mailing list too. Buying cards and stamps, writing personalized messages, and addressing the envelopes can kill an entire weekend afternoon. Just let the important people in your life know that you care about them throughout the year (through emails and phone calls and whatnot) and they won't miss the card.

*Don't worry too long about what gifts to get people. If your loved one mentions something they would like to have, make a mental or actual note so that you can maximize the chances of giving something that they want. But you'll only cause resentment if you search too long or think too hard about it, because chances are they aren't putting that much thought into your gift at all.

Lamaze cult

2007-11-15T12:15:00.000-08:00

A Google search of Lamaze cult yields no relevant results comparing the two concepts.

The first class was this week. While there was some good material presented (call 911 and take downward pressure off the uterus if you feel something that could be the baby's umbilical cord sticking out of you), a good portion of the time was spent selling us on the idea of Lamaze.

"I have four children and used Lamaze with all of them. It made such a difference". Um, how would you know?

The video we watched consisted of a staged group discussion with many fake questions that prompted the discussion leader/paid actress to tell us how wonderful childbirth is and how you can turn you pain into sunshine and dreams through the simple act of breathing. Much how religion is used to make the poor think that their lives aren't so bad, I theorize that Lamaze is propagated by men and brainwashed women to trivialize the real pain that is felt by women. If you feel pain, it is your own fault for not believing in its power enough. If you use pain medication, you're a failure.

When it is our turn to provide the snack, we shall take some Flavor Aid to see if anyone catches the Jonestown reference.

Men's Room/Women's Room

2007-11-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

I have been maneuvering with a more sensitive outrage detector since starting this blog, merely in order to have more material to write about.

Walking into the women's restroom at work, I once again noticed the pictogram depicting the gender of the room's intended inhabitants - the stick figure wearing a skirt. I look down at my jeans and tell myself the joke that I'm tired of making to myself - "I guess I should go to the Men's room since that's where the people with pants go".

I try to think of a set of pictograms that wouldn't irritate me on some level:

Stick figure with dangling objects from chest vs. stick figure with dangling objects from groin
Stick figure preparing Thanksgiving dinner vs. stick figure fixing a car
Stick figure sitting demurely vs. stick figure angrily peeing on a Chevy logo

Maybe the skirt isn't so bad....

Good things to remember

2007-11-05T16:45:00.000-08:00

My friend Karen sent this to me today from Glamour magazine. I think I'm going to make a cross-stitch of the last one and hang it in the baby's crib.

The 7 best (and worst) things you can say to a girl

What you say does make an impression. Make sure it’s a good one.
Never say…
“I feel fat.”
After a second helping of stuffing, sure you do. But beware! If she sees you hating your body, she may learn to loathe hers, says Courtney E. Martin, author of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters.

“You’re young. You’ll get over it.”
Yes, she’ll survive being blown off by her so-called friend. But that doesn’t make it sting less right now. Ask how you can help.

“Men suck.”
Bashing just feeds an us-versus-them mentality, says psychologist Rita Haley, Ph.D.

“Sure you want to eat that?”
Eating a honking slab of pie is much less damaging to her than the feeling that everything she puts in her mouth is fodder for scrutiny.

“Paris is such a slut.”
Whatever you think of Ms. Hilton, trashing women teaches girls to be mean, says psychologist Sharon Lamb. Bring up Nancy Pelosi instead. Research suggests that talking with girls about female politicians can help them aspire to leadership roles.

“Guys won’t like you if you…”
It’s never good to change to “get” a guy. Tell her the right one will like every crazy, quirky thing about her.

“These are the best years of your life.”
High school?! As if.

Always say…
“Do anything fun today?”
Life isn’t all about achievements; this could help her find her passion.

“That was a brave thing to do.”
When girls stand up for someone or something they believe in, we should stand up and cheer. After all, that’s the mark of a leader.

“Let’s go for a run.”
Simply getting her going can boost her mood and self-image. Exercise also gives her confidence in her body’s strength.

“You can be anything; you don’t have to be everything.”
“You go, girl” is always a great message, but she also needs to know that when and if she wants to, she can slow down.

“Just know I’m here. No pressure. No judgment.”
It’s helpful if she knows she can turn to someone, even if she doesn’t end up doing so, says Haley.

“YUM!!!!”
Teach her to enjoy her food, not battle it.

“Well-behaved women seldom make history.”
Historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich’s so-true words tell her that if she wants to break the rules sometimes, you have her back.

Typical reactions to baby's sex

2007-11-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

Several acquaintances have asked: "What are you having?"

My smartass response is "a baby".

When the sex is revealed, the reactions have been generally along these lines:

A girl!? You must be so excited!

I bet you can't wait to spoil her!

Girls are so cute!

Are you going to buy a bunch of pink stuff?

She'll be daddy's little girl!

If I didn't have to see these people on a daily basis, I would tell them it is a boy to see what the opposite reaction would be. Maybe I'll start doing this with strangers when I get further along to see what the range of response is if you say you are having a boy.

I don't foresee treating a girl any differently than I would a boy. Kids just need love and support in addition to all of the material things we're required by law to give. Basically, I just want to flood her with opportunities to learn about everything imaginable - math, science, and technology included. I want to steer her toward being an honest person, an inquisitive person, a responsible person, a person who can empathize with others, and a self-sufficient person. Everything else just depends on the kid. Before she is able to pick out her own clothes and toys, I do want to stick to gender neutral stuff (green and yellow clothes) or a mixture of items that are traditionally reserved for one gender or the other (i.e. toy trucks AND a play kitchen set). I extend my deepest fake apologies now for any acquaintance who is deprived of the opportunity to see my newborn in frilly pink clothing with bows affixed to her head.

To Sir (with no love)

2007-11-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

I work as a technical support agent for a software company. This morning, I was forwarded an email from our main support email address. It was addressed from the customer: "Dear Sir".

I thought about forwarding the message back to him unanswered. My employer would not likely appreciate that very much, so I helped him without mentioning his faux pas. I do wonder if his interaction with me will affect the way he addresses his next email to tech support.

There is no direct way to correct this behavior - People in positions like mine are paid to assist the customer, not correct social injustice. Any gentle reminder to the customer that women work here too could be construed as giving bad customer service. To not be fearful of losing my job, I would need to clear it with my employer first, which would likely cause a big hoo-ha and waste valuable time I don't have.

In what cases should women point out faulty assumptions about gender, and in what cases should we just let it go? It seems that always letting things go would get us nowhere, and always pointing out the mistakes of others just proves that we are the sensitive beings that a lot of men already think we are.

Why I'm dreading Halloween 2016....

2007-11-01T05:38:00.000-07:00

Here's a clip my husband captured yesterday morning on CNN. He has always been a good feminist in my opinion, but he's kicked it up to a new level in the past few days. I hope that our daughter strives to be a real doctor or nurse instead of just wanting to dress up like a sexy doctor or nurse.

This clip raises many questions I have few answers for concerning women and power. Do powerful women have to dress conservatively? Or is it more empowering to wear whatever you want, even if it makes you look like a sex object? Was Condoleezza taken more or less seriously after the photo came out a few years ago with her in long black boots? Should Hillary be showing cleavage on the Senate floor? I argue that these wardrobe choices were distracting - obviously they were because these examples arise every time the subject of women being taken seriously in politics comes up. I have no idea what Hillary was talking about that day on the Senate floor, nor where Condoleezza was heading in her sexy boots.

The women who impress me in my life generally dress conservatively. If I can see that a woman isn't trying to be flashy in her dress, then I take her message and leadership more seriously. This is because I assume she takes herself more seriously.

'Tis a girl!

2007-10-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

About two hours ago, we found out that the baby-geek-to-be is a girl.

The sex of the baby really hadn't mattered to me until now.

As I drove back to work after the doctor's appointment, I began to sweat just a little. How do you raise a girl so that she grows up independent and competent? As long as she never leaves the house or turns on the TV, she'll be fine. But once she sees all the commercials for Pink Doll of the Week or the Little Suzy Homemaker play kitchen, is she going to think that's what she needs to be playing with? What about when she meets other girls who only care about hair, makeup, nails, and throwing up to look thin? What if she thinks I'm disappointed in her if she turns out to be more feminine than I am? What if I actually WILL be disappointed in her if she turns out to be more feminine than I am?

I saw this article this morning about some things that many women do when they talk: Are your words holding you back?

It contains some things that are good reminders for any girl who wants to be taken more seriously.