What do I tell her?
One of the traits I want to model for my daughter is strength. Ideally, along with my husband, I'd like to show her the possibilities of what an equal partnership marriage can be.
Lately, I've been exploring this idea of equal partnership. Things have never "felt" equal to me. I mean they are a lot more equal than a lot of marriages have and there's a lot to be said for that. But it's hard to applaud an 80/20 division of labor when I really should be fighting for 50/50.
I justify it to myself in a lot of ways. I like my job a lot more than he likes his. He takes off whenever Em is sick. He's always available if I need or want to do something away from home without Emerson. It might be that I might be overlooking a lot of other stuff that brings the percentages closer together so I should stop counting altogether.....
For the first six years or so of our marriage, every couple of months I'd issue a "you need to do more around the house" decree. I explained that it wasn't just about the extra work, it's what the extra work meant - that we are not in fact equals and that he thought his free time was more valuable than mine. We had a good balance for the first year or so with our kid but soon, I felt I was doing more than my share with that situation too. And I never hid my feelings about that either.
It's been about two months since my last attempt to revisit this issue verbally with him. And I came to the realization that if it hasn't sunk in in the last six years, it wasn't going to. Nothing I can say is going to change his view or his behavior. There are numerous time management and reminder apps out there. If he really wanted to distribute things more optimally, he could do it.
So I realized this and such a powerful feeling of detachment came over me. I realized how much power I was giving him by feeling anger at his behavior. I decided to just clean, cook, change diapers, potty train, give baths, fill up juice glasses, tuck into bed, read stories, draw, take out trash, do laundry, and feed pets. I'd do all of it and assume that I'd be the one to do all of it. It's not fair. It's not ideal. But it is the best I can do. And keeping myself busy with all of it and choosing not to attribute any feelings of anger and resentment to it are incredibly powerful to me. Nagging him and yelling at him gives him power, plus I was still doing most of it anyway. It's like Charlie Brown finally deciding not to try kicking the football that Lucy was holding.
But when Em gets older and sees my doing everything, what do I tell her? This is hardly the best situation. It looks like I gave up. Surely she will see the hypocrisy, especially if I say things like men and women should be equal at home if they want to be equal at work. What do I say to her that doesn't totally set her up for failure in her own marriage? Do I wait for the day that she brings home her partner and announces her intention to get married and say something like "the key to happiness is resigned acceptance and low expectations"?
I don't know what to say to her that doesn't make me sound like a doormat or that paints her dad in a bad light. He is a good dad. He thinks the world of Emerson and would do anything for her. He'd do anything for me too. I just have to ask. Almost every time. But I don't want to ask every time. If Em asks for something, I want him to pop up out of his seat and get it about half the time. I want him to ask her if she wants to use the potty instead of me asking him to ask her. And the little dance I do in my head "should I ask him or just do it myself?" takes a lot of mental energy that I just think it's easier to do it myself and not have to worry about delegating. There is a reason that managers make more money than employees - it is hard work. And delegating is not one of my natural talents. I mean, I could get better at it, but as long as we're changing base personality traits here, he can just as easily develop the skill of taking initiative as I could develop the skill of delegating.
I'm happier than I've been in, I don't know, years. A lot of it is that I am in love with my kid - she's delightful and hilarious. I'm eating good food, exercising, reading, learning, laughing, and leading. But I bet a big portion of it has to do with not letting others decide how I feel.
Lately, I've been exploring this idea of equal partnership. Things have never "felt" equal to me. I mean they are a lot more equal than a lot of marriages have and there's a lot to be said for that. But it's hard to applaud an 80/20 division of labor when I really should be fighting for 50/50.
I justify it to myself in a lot of ways. I like my job a lot more than he likes his. He takes off whenever Em is sick. He's always available if I need or want to do something away from home without Emerson. It might be that I might be overlooking a lot of other stuff that brings the percentages closer together so I should stop counting altogether.....
For the first six years or so of our marriage, every couple of months I'd issue a "you need to do more around the house" decree. I explained that it wasn't just about the extra work, it's what the extra work meant - that we are not in fact equals and that he thought his free time was more valuable than mine. We had a good balance for the first year or so with our kid but soon, I felt I was doing more than my share with that situation too. And I never hid my feelings about that either.
It's been about two months since my last attempt to revisit this issue verbally with him. And I came to the realization that if it hasn't sunk in in the last six years, it wasn't going to. Nothing I can say is going to change his view or his behavior. There are numerous time management and reminder apps out there. If he really wanted to distribute things more optimally, he could do it.
So I realized this and such a powerful feeling of detachment came over me. I realized how much power I was giving him by feeling anger at his behavior. I decided to just clean, cook, change diapers, potty train, give baths, fill up juice glasses, tuck into bed, read stories, draw, take out trash, do laundry, and feed pets. I'd do all of it and assume that I'd be the one to do all of it. It's not fair. It's not ideal. But it is the best I can do. And keeping myself busy with all of it and choosing not to attribute any feelings of anger and resentment to it are incredibly powerful to me. Nagging him and yelling at him gives him power, plus I was still doing most of it anyway. It's like Charlie Brown finally deciding not to try kicking the football that Lucy was holding.
But when Em gets older and sees my doing everything, what do I tell her? This is hardly the best situation. It looks like I gave up. Surely she will see the hypocrisy, especially if I say things like men and women should be equal at home if they want to be equal at work. What do I say to her that doesn't totally set her up for failure in her own marriage? Do I wait for the day that she brings home her partner and announces her intention to get married and say something like "the key to happiness is resigned acceptance and low expectations"?
I don't know what to say to her that doesn't make me sound like a doormat or that paints her dad in a bad light. He is a good dad. He thinks the world of Emerson and would do anything for her. He'd do anything for me too. I just have to ask. Almost every time. But I don't want to ask every time. If Em asks for something, I want him to pop up out of his seat and get it about half the time. I want him to ask her if she wants to use the potty instead of me asking him to ask her. And the little dance I do in my head "should I ask him or just do it myself?" takes a lot of mental energy that I just think it's easier to do it myself and not have to worry about delegating. There is a reason that managers make more money than employees - it is hard work. And delegating is not one of my natural talents. I mean, I could get better at it, but as long as we're changing base personality traits here, he can just as easily develop the skill of taking initiative as I could develop the skill of delegating.
I'm happier than I've been in, I don't know, years. A lot of it is that I am in love with my kid - she's delightful and hilarious. I'm eating good food, exercising, reading, learning, laughing, and leading. But I bet a big portion of it has to do with not letting others decide how I feel.
posted by Amanda Shankle-Knowlton | 7:12 PM
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