Fear

I haven't read my old blog entries in a while, but I suspect a big percentage of them at least mention the fact that I need to write more. Well, I'm just going to write whenever I feel like it.

I pretty much just do whatever I feel now. I don't want to have any regrets. I have a friend whose husband has cancer and is throwing around the d- word. I have three people in my social circle who have lost children. I'm trying to deal more and more with the sad probability that Emerson will have to watch her big brother become further debilitated by Muscular Dystrophy, which is so hard because she adores him very much. The next door neighbor said somebody was trying to break into his house on Friday, and that the neighbors next to him on the other side were successfully burglarized. Not that I care about our stuff - just the loss of feeling safe. I'm trying not to live in fear. I'm trying to seize the moment and be happy and all that.

But every time I do seize the moment, ignore the future, ignore the mess in my house, spend a little more money than I should because life is short, I remember why I'm doing that and it makes me sad. I'm doing it because I'm focused on everything and everyone I love just disappearing.